liawren

Thank you so much for all the sweet comments, I really do appreciate them.
So, here is the new chapter, I hope you enjoy it.

If you want to come say hi to me on twitter it's now possible. I'm just getting started with it and I'm so terrified. It's twitter.com/liawren - sort of creepy. :)

So thank you and I love you all.

*****

It was a rainy day. It was exactly one of those days when all you wanted to do was lie in bed and watch crazy comedy movies and eat chocolate. I sat on the couch crawled into a blanket with a cup of tea in my hands, I had my eyes closed while I was listening to the rain hitting the windowsills. I breathed deeply in and out and let my thoughts run freely without any larger urges to even try to control them. I thought about the rain and how I used to go standing in the rain when I was a kid, even as a teen I would go stand in the rain until my make-up ran down my face. Swimming was the best thing to do when it rained. I just hadn’t done it in a really long time. I missed having a fireplace. I loved to listen to the rain and feel the warmth of the fire. I thought about dad and how he would put on his green raincoat when he’d go get the horses inside from the grazing ground. I missed home a little, mostly I missed the fireplace, mom’s chocolate cookies and the feeling of dad’s arms around me but I refused to let all the thoughts make me sad.

I thought about Jared. I hadn’t been home until in the morning hours. We had danced, we had talked, we had eaten some of the most amazing chocolate mousse and finally when the stars and the moon were already high in the sky Jared had given me a ride home and I had gone straight to sleep. Everything that had happened in the night felt like something that never really happened. I could remember every little detail like I would’ve still been living in that situation but yet it all felt unreal. I teased myself with all kinds of thoughts, silly little wonderings about what would happen next, I wondered what would happen after the show, maybe Jared wouldn’t remember me anymore, he’d leave for the tour and I’d continue my life. Somehow a thought of that made me feel even more sad. The truth was that no matter how short period of time had I known him for I did love being around him, he made me feel safe and cared and it was incredibly easy to be around him. He seemed to understand me in a way I hadn’t known someone could understand me and he knew exactly what to do to make me feel like I was the only thing that mattered in the whole world. With tiny gestures he made me fall, a bit by bit, and I knew that if I let myself go and forget about trying to control myself or the way I felt I would be lost. Really lost.

I was pretty much ready to fall asleep when my phone suddenly began to ring. Just when it was about to fall off of the coffee table I got a hold of it and answered before I even checked who the caller was.

“Good morning.” A familiar sounding male voice said. I couldn’t stop myself from smiling when I heard his voice.

“Is it still morning?”

“I don’t know but it’s raining.”

“Are you sure about that?” I asked playfully without being able to stop smiling. I felt like a foolish teenage girl.

“I’m pretty convinced. Would you be convinced if I suggested that you would come over today to follow our rehearsals? Cause I’ve been to every single one of your rehearsals, it would be sort of a payback.”

“If I wish for a song are you gonna play it?”

“I promise that.”

“What would guys think if I showed up there?”

“Nothing, they don’t really think that much.” Jared said, trying to sound as serious as he was able to. “Come on. I can pick you up.”

“Well… Okay.”

*****

Before Shannon, Tomo and Tim would arrive Jared had made us some coffee and we had sat down on the couch in the living room. We had been talking something about cars and the fact I hadn’t driven a car for a year. We talked about the rain that wasn’t showing any signs of stopping. I shared my memories about my childhood and how I had always gone outside when it had been raining. Jared seemed rather amused with my old manners.

“Have you ever spilled hot coffee on yourself?” Jared suddenly asked. I looked at him for a moment before laughing quietly.

“No, but I’ve spilled it on other people.” I answered half laughing. “You often do that?”

“Not anymore. The first years we went on the road I used to do that in the buss like every time I drank coffee.” Jared said before turning to face me. “What’s your excuse?”

“I have no excuses.” I said and got the sweetest smile from Jared. He moved a little closer to me and gently wiped hair aside from my face, he looked straight into my eyes before taking a hold of the coffee cup I had in my hands.

“I don’t want you to spill this on me.” Jared said as he placed the cup of the coffee table. I gave him an unpleased smile but decided not to say anything. He ran his fingers up my neck and across my cheek until he pulled me a little closer. I closed my eyes when his lips touched my cheek, his fingers traveled up my neck and finally got drowned into my hair. Jared turned me to face him and looked into my eyes for a moment before kissing me. It was nothing like it had been last night. It was a lot stronger, a lot more passionate and a lot more intense and before I even realized it I was lost. But before I got to get too lost Jared pulled a little farther from me and looked into my eyes. “What song did you want to hear?” Jared asked half whispering. I stared into his eyes for a moment, nothing was coming to my mind, not a single song, even though an hour earlier I hadn’t been able to decide which one of the songs I wanted to hear.

“Was it a dream.” I said half whispering when I finally remembered what I had wanted to hear. Jared gave me a smile and nodded his head.

“I’ll play it for you.”

“Now?” I asked pretty much whispering, Jared laughed amusedly and gently pulled me closer to him. I looked straight into his eyes and when I smiled his lips touched mine. I closed my eyes and it didn’t take longer than a second until the whole world around me was lost. Only thing left was that tiny moment, Jared’s fingers drowned in my hair, his lips touching mine, my racing heart…

And then the doorbell rang. Jared pulled farther from me and I had to fight to be able to catch a breath. We looked at each other, shared a look that said more than million words ever could have and Jared went to open the front door. I heard Tomo’s voice as soon as the door was opened. He exchanged a couple of quick words with Jared until he noticed me.

“Hi!” Tomo exclaimed with a happy tone in his voice. “Do we have a dancer at our rehearsals?”

“I thought it would be fair for Katrina to see our rehearsals cause I’ve been to the dance rehearsals every time.” Jared explained and Tomo approved everything with a nod.

“So, have the rehearsals been okay?” Tomo asked and I shrugged my shoulders.

“Yeah, well, I think we won’t totally mess up the show.”

“Good.” Tomo said with a smile on his face as he nodded his head. “When are Shannon and Tim gonna be here?”

“Oh yeah, Katrina hasn’t met Tim yet. They should be here any minute.” Jared said as he pulled his phone out of his pocket and placed it on the coffee table. “But we can go tune already.” Jared said, Tomo nodded his head, got up and began to head towards the music room. I gave a glance to Jared and he wrapped his arms around me and began leading me towards the music room. I was waiting for him to release his hold of me as soon as we got to the music room but he didn’t, he didn’t let me go until I had sat down on a couch. I noticed how Tomo looked at us but I didn’t turn to face him. Jared grabbed his electric guitar from a guitar stand and began tuning it while I was looking at all the instruments around the room. I couldn’t help but to wonder how much each of them had cost. I was focused on examining one light brown acoustic guitar that was lying on the floor a little farther from me and calculating the total cost when the doorbell suddenly rang. Jared placed his guitar on the floor and went to open the front door.

“Do you play anything?” Tomo asked while I was still focused on the guitar.

“I used to play piano but… I never really pursued it in a same way as dancing.” I said and Tomo nodded his head.

“If you’re half as good with the piano as you are with dancing you might’ve made a mistake.” Tomo said smiling. I smiled but before I got to answer anything Jared along with Shannon and Tim stepped into the room. Shannon looked a bit surprised to see me but Tim smiled in a ‘happy to see you’ way and said hi. He actually seemed really happy to see me even though he probably didn’t even know who I was unless Jared had told him.

“Tim, this is Katrina. She’s one of our beautiful dancers.” Jared introduced me and Tim and after exchanging couple of quick words everybody focused on their instruments and began preparing for the rehearsals.

“I didn’t know you were here.” Shannon said with a tone that made me feel like I wasn’t welcome.

“I hope you don’t mind.” I said carefully and Shannon just shrugged his shoulders.

“I thought it would be equal that Katrina gets to see our rehearsals since I’ve been watching the dancing practices.” Jared said while Shannon was just nodding his head. Shannon sat down at the drums and began to drum like trying to ignore everything Jared had just said. The way Shannon acted made me feel a bit uncomfortable. I glanced at Jared and he gave me an understanding smile so I decided to ignore Shannon as well as I was able to.

“What a pressure – we can’t mess up now, guys.” Tomo said laughing and everybody else seemed to be amused by his words except for Shannon. From the corner of my eye I could see how Shannon was looking at me but he turned his look away as soon as I turned to face him. I kinda wanted to hide. “Does our special guest have any wishes about the songs we’re gonna play?” Tomo asked with a sweet smile on his face.

“Well… The Fantasy would be great.”

“The Fantasy it is.” Jared said and so they began to play.

*****

Once the guys had left I got my acoustic version of Was It A Dream. I closed my eyes and leaned back on the couch, focused on the sound of the guitar, on the words, on Jared’s voice and I focused on being lost in the song. The song ended way too soon. I felt a bit cold when I heard how the rain was still hitting against the windows. I opened my eyes and turned to face Jared who was placing the guitar on the floor.

“Why was Shannon like that towards me?” I asked carefully. Jared turned to face me and shook his head.

“Maybe he was just having a bad day. Did you feel bad about the way he acted?”

“Well, it didn’t make me feel too welcome.”

“I’m sure he didn’t mean anything.”

“I’m okay with it.” I said as I sat straight and pulled hair aside from my face.

“Are you?” Jared asked with a slight shade of worry in his eyes.

“I am.”

“You would tell me if you weren’t, would you?”

“You would notice it.” I answered half whispering. Jared looked into my eyes for a moment before nodding his head.

“Have you played piano?” Jared asked as a playful smile spread across his face.

“Years ago. I probably don’t even remember anything anymore.” I said as I very uncomfortably changed my position. Without a word Jared got up and showed me a sign to follow him – but I didn’t. I stayed sitting there and watching how he sat down at the piano and began to play a song. I shook my head, sighed deeply and finally decided to get up. I walked over to the piano, sat down next to Jared and when he stopped playing I landed my fingers on the white keys. At first it felt so strange, it felt like I would’ve never felt those keys before, then I slowly pressed the keys. A sound came through. And like I would’ve had no control over it my fingers traveled across the keys and a tune filled the room. A tune that I hadn’t even known I could still play. I played it through and when I was finished it felt even stranger.

“How long did you exactly play?” Jared asked and I shrugged my shoulders.

“I started when I was 8. I took lessons till I was 12, but dancing was always more important. But after the lessons I still played for fun but I stopped for good a couple of years back.” I said quietly. Jared seemed thoughtful for a moment before he moved a little closer to me and put his other arm around me.

“Tell me if I have way too wild imagination but… Does the fact you stopped playing have anything to do with the reason why those girls upset so?” Jared asked carefully. I took deep breaths in and out and turned to face him.

“Till that playing had been a way for me to calm down and relax but since that… I don’t know why but every time I play I end up thinking about what happened.”

“Are you thinking about it now?” Jared asked carefully, I looked into his eyes for a moment and nodded my head.

“I will never stop thinking about it.” I said quietly while my look traveled across the white keys. “Has there been something in your life that has just… changed everything?” I asked as I turned to face Jared. He examined the look in my eyes and he seemed so thoughtful.

“Yeah.” Jared answered after thinking about it for a while. “I believe everybody has that kind of a moment in their lives.”

“But not in the same way. Why do some people have it in a positive form and some people in a negative?”

“I don’t know. But I wanna believe that you can learn from everything and you can get stronger.”

“I used to believe that everything happens for a reason. And I still do, kind of, it’s just a little hard sometimes to find the reasons.”

“Maybe not all reasons are there for us to understand.” Jared said quietly and I nodded my head. I looked at the light brown acoustic guitar I had been looking at earlier, it seemed somehow haunting to me.

“Where have you gotten that guitar?” I suddenly asked. Jared seemed a bit confused for a second before he laughed quietly. But it seemed like he knew immediately which guitar I was talking about.

“I bought it from New York couple of years ago. It’s a good guitar. The sound of it just needs a right song to sound really amazing, otherwise it sounds like it’s not in tune.”

“Poor guitar.” I said and laid a compassionate look towards that guitar. “Why did you buy it if you don’t even play it?”

“I do play it. I was just comparing it to the guitars I mostly play. It sounds different.”

“Doesn’t every guitar sound a bit different?”

“Of course. Even the same guitar sounds totally different with different strings but I meant that the sound of the guitar is really unique. But it’s really not a bad thing, I just… haven’t found a song worth that guitar.” Jared said while looking at the lonely guitar lying on the floor.

“That’s so sweet.” I whispered, somehow it seemed so incredibly cute when Jared seemed to give that guitar so many thoughts and so much appreciation. Jared turned to face me, he smiled and I couldn’t help myself.

“Are you hungry? I could make something.” Jared said while he was looking into my eyes. I gave him a smile and shook my head.

“Maybe I should go home. It’s kinda late.”

“Are you sure you don’t wanna stay for a late dinner?”

“Maybe it would be better if I went home.”

“What do you mean?” Jared asked half laughing like he would’ve found my words amusing.

“Just… I don’t know. It might be better for me to leave.”

“Why?”

“Cause…” I began saying but I soon ran out of words. I didn’t really even know what I was trying to explain.

“Look…” Jared said as he moved a little closer to me and wiped hair aside from my face. He looked into my eyes and as soon as he did I was lost. “I don’t want you to worry about anything cause you don’t have to. I’m only suggesting that you’d stay and have dinner with me. That’s all, no wicked plans, nothing.”

“I knew that. But I still think it’s better that I go home.”

“Okay.” Jared said and nodded his head. “I’ll give you a ride.”

*****

I wasn’t sure whether I found my decision right or not. The truth was that I would’ve loved to stay, I would’ve loved to continue our conversations, I would’ve loved to have dinner with him, I would’ve loved to see how much more I would’ve gotten lost – but somehow it seemed… scary. All that seemed scary. My sense was telling the total opposite than the way I felt and I had no idea which one I trusted more. I trusted Jared but my sense didn’t. And if I was my sense or if my sense was me I didn’t trust Jared either. I didn’t know why. Or I did. I just didn’t want to realize it. I wanted to continue being lost and ignore the tiny fear that was screaming so loudly so deep inside of me.

I didn’t sleep well. I kept waking up in the night, looking at the clock, at some point I went to get an extra blanket cause I was freezing, I kept listening to the wind crying behind my window, I tried reading a book but nothing really eased the way I felt. When it was finally morning and not too early to get up I got out of bed rather happily and headed to the shower. A warm shower later I got dressed in white tight jeans and a black t-shirt, I did my make-up and ran down the stairs and into the kitchen. I made a big pot of coffee and drank it all just to make sure I stayed awake for the next hour.

When I had just collapsed on the couch my phone began to ring. It was my brother Nathan, he was eager to have me going over to his house and I still had that free ticket to give him so as soon as I had succeeded to force myself to get up from the couch I grabbed my keys and phone with me and I was ready to leave the house. It was sunny and warm and it felt rather relaxing to walk over to Nathan’s house. Once at Nathan’s house he made us some coffee and we sat on the couch in his living room and looked out of the huge window. Nathan had the most beautiful garden in his backyard, he had tens of different flowers, all looking incredibly beautiful. I had always felt a bit jealous for his ability to make any flower blossom. Every flower I even tried to plant just wilted the next day. I leaned back on the couch and sighed deeply before I took a sip of the hot coffee. 

“What?” Nathan asked and glanced at me before he took a sip of his coffee.

“Nothing.” I said very negligently. It was always good to try and be negligent with Nathan but he rarely left a topic untouched if he had set his mind to it. And that time he already had, I could tell. Nathan looked at me with a suspicious look on his face and leaned back on the couch. “Stop looking at me like that.”

“I know you. Something’s going on.” Nathan said while examining every little detail in my presence. He saw through me, he saw through my tiredness, he knew I had something in mind. Jared. “Who is he?”

“Who?” I kept trying as long as I was possibly able to.

“The guy you’re sighing about.”

“There is no guy.”

“Katrina.” Nathan said with very oblique tone in his voice. I was a bad liar. I knew it just as well as he did.

“There is a guy. I think.” I said finally. I knew Nathan could see everything before I even got to tell him so there was really no point in trying to deny anything. Besides I kinda felt like talking with someone. Even though I wasn’t sure if there actually was something to talk about.  “I met him couple of weeks ago and…”

“Are you in love with him?” Nathan asked. He interrupted my sentence. And he didn’t seem to think his question was inappropriate in any way.

“No! I haven’t even known him for that long.”

“You don’t believe in love at first sight?”

“Well… How can you fall in love with a person you don’t know? I mean… at first sight, you don’t know what kind of a person you’re looking at. You can’t fall in love without…”

“Right, I got your point.” Nathan said and completely inappropriately interrupted my serious wonderings. “Have you slept with him?”

“Nathan!” I exclaimed with desperate tone in my voice. Nathan just shrugged his shoulders like it had been the most obvious thing to ask at that point.

“Well… Have you?”

“No, I haven’t.”

“Has he tried?”

“Nathan!”

“Well has he!”

“No!” I exclaimed but Nathan didn’t seem too convinced with my answer. “A kiss but that’s all. I swear.” I said and took a nervous sip of my coffee. Nathan just nodded his head.

“So what is the problem?”

“What problem?”

“The reason why you’re sighing.”

“Well…” I began saying until I just sighed desperately. “I’m not sure.”

“What kind of a guy is he?” Nathan asked with way more compassionate tone in his voice.

“He is… great. I love being around him, it’s so easy to be with him and it’s really easy to talk with him, we have fun together, he is really kind, caring and funny and… oh yeah, he’s a musician, he travels around the world and he’s 36.” I said and as soon I got to the musician part of my story the look on Nathan’s face changed from adoring to a tiny bit surprised.

“36?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah well, you know… if you really like him go for it.” Nathan said and leaned back on the couch. He always seemed really relaxed. I had never seen him anxious. “Or does it bother you that he is so much older?”

“No, I barely notice it. Actually I don’t.”

“Then don’t worry.” Nathan said in his usual relaxed way but I felt a little anxious.

“Nathan, I…” I said quietly when Nathan turned to face me. “I’m… just a little scared.” I whispered so quietly I was barely able to hear it myself. Nathan sighed in a way that seemed very understanding as he pulled me into his arms and kissed my forehead.

“Sweetie…” Nathan whispered and held me real close to him. “Has he done something?” Nathan asked carefully and I shook my head.

“No, he’s really good to me. I just… Last night I went over to his house and we hang out and then later that night he suggested that I’d stay over for dinner. And then… I hadn’t even thought about it before but then I realized that I couldn’t stay. Like I couldn’t… I just a got a little scared. Not by anything that he did and I’m sure that if I would’ve stayed he would’ve been really sweet but… I just began thinking about… everything.” I mumbled, at some points my words didn’t make any sense to me but I still kept taking. Nathan listened even though he probably had no idea what I was talking about. But I didn’t really understand myself either.

“Why are you so scared?” Nathan asked carefully. He pulled me closer to him and gently ran his fingers through my hair. “Are you scared because of Ayden?” Nathan asked quietly. He held me really close to him like to protect me from the world.

“He knows there’s something, I haven’t talked to him about it cause I just can’t and really I don’t even want to. I haven’t even known him for that long. I thought I would be fine with everything but… I guess I’m not. And I don’t know why I’m scared when he has been nothing but good to me.” 

“Katrina, it’s completely normal for you to be scared. But you know what I think you should do?”

“Talk to him, I know. But I can’t.”

“Yeah but you have to at some point.”

“I don’t want to. It’s not that we’d even be together or anything so it doesn’t even matter.”

“To me it seems like it indeed does matter. Besides you’ll never be together with him even if you wanted to if you don’t talk to him about what’s happened. If he really cares about you he’d wanna know what you’ve been through. And you would feel better, knowing he knows how you’re feeling.”

“I know…” I whispered desperately. “It just feels easier not to tell him, in a way. I’ve mentioned that something happened to me a couple of years back but I don’t wanna tell him exactly what happened. I mean I don’t want him to… see me like I see myself.”

“Katrina, stop that!” Nathan exclaimed and forced me to look him in the eyes. “How many times have we been through this, Katrina – you have to stop thinking that way about yourself. What happened was not your fault and it doesn’t make you a bad person. You’re beautiful, you know that, just believe it.” Nathan said but I shook my head.

“I’m just scared that he won’t understand it.”

“If he doesn’t understand then he doesn’t deserve you. If you don’t tell him it’s eventually gonna ruin everything cause I can see it bothers you. Talk to him, Katrina. The longer you wait the harder it gets.” Nathan said and I kept nodding my head without really being sure whether I’d ever be able to talk to Jared without having a panic attack. “Now tell me… Do I know him?”

“I don’t know if I should tell you or not…” I said half laughing and looked around the room. Nathan gave me a questioning look but I wasn’t really sure if I should’ve told him who I was talking about. I wasn’t sure if Jared would’ve minded if I told Nathan.

“Oh my god, it’s someone famous!” Nathan exclaimed. I had an uncomfortable look on my face but Nathan wasn’t going to let it go. “So he’s 36, a musician… what kind of music does he play? Where have you even met him?” Nathan asked until the look on his face told me how things were slowly beginning to reach his consciousness. “You auditioned for the 30 Seconds To Mars’ show…”

“I have a free ticket for you, by the way.”

“They chose you? Katrina, that’s amazing!” Nathan was always so happy for me, he pulled me into his arms and kissed my forehead like a proud big brother but he didn’t forget to go back to the topic he was so enthusiastic to know the answers to. “Which one of the guys is 36?” Nathan continued thinking aloud. I just sat there without saying a word. “Well, I know you don’t really fancy bassists, the drummer is not your type and the guitarist… it’s the singer, isn’t it? That dark haired guy. It’s him, isn’t it?” Nathan kept asking. That was how we always were with each other, joking and fooling around and Nathan never really let go of anything before he got the answers he wanted. But at that moment with that situation I found nothing funny about Nathan’s jokes. I felt rather uncomfortable.

“His name is Jared.” I said half whispering. I still wasn’t sure whether it was okay to tell Nathan but since he had already figured it out there was no point in trying to deny it. He saw through me. He always did.

“He’s the singer, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Wow… Well, if you give me the free ticket I might try and have a chat with him and tell him how my little sister should be treated.”

“Nathan!”

“Does dad know?”

“Hey, I’ve known him for… what, couple of weeks. There is nothing to know!”

“He kissed you.”

“He took me out for dinner.” I said like that would’ve really mattered to Nathan. I knew he didn’t really care about the details. “And he brought me 12 roses.”

“That’s so sweet.” Nathan said without the smallest shades of enchantment in his voice. “Next thing is his bedroom.”

“Nathan, I really hate you.”

“I know but I love you more than anything. You’re my only sister.”

“I don’t think there will ever be his bedroom if I tell him.” I said quietly and got a dirty laugh from Nathan.

“You know that’s not true but it is certainly interesting to know exactly why it is that you don’t wanna tell him. But maybe you could meet the bedroom first and then tell, he would be in a great state of mind.”

“You’re making fun of a serious matter.” I said desperately but Nathan didn’t care about the uncomfortable look on my face.

“No, I’m just thinking like a guy. I mean… whether he’ll freak out cause you didn’t tell him before or he’ll be too tired to care. That’s actually an advantage for you while you come up with your plan.”

“Fuck you, Nathan.”

“Actually…” Nathan began saying and I could see how his whole face brightened when he came up with something that for sure must’ve been the biggest invention of the century. But before Nathan got to present his reason to be proud of himself I began screaming.

“I don’t wanna hear!”

I’m sitting at home, alone, on a Sunday night and eating some horrible tasting throat pastilles. I can’t talk so the only thing left to do is writing.

Thank you for all the comments and I hope you like this one.

*****


The rest of the night was like I would’ve imagined a night with a person I had been best friends with for the past 10 years. We talked a lot. We talked about life, values that people have, lifestyles and all kinds of things that I thought I would’ve never talked about with someone I had known for only days. But I never really found out what Jared had been about to say. He changed the subject, we drunk some coffee and talked about everything there is to talk about in the world. We talked about everything between LA and New York, winter and summer, dogs and cats, music and movies, surfing and snowboarding, dancing and playing music, iPods and blackberries, new technology and internet, houses and cars, chocolates and food, alcohol and relationships…

We talked about the places where we had grown up, we talked about dreams, where we wanted to be in 20 years, what we would do if we had regular 9 to 5 jobs. I told Jared I had a cat and he talked about the dogs he had had, we remembered all the natural disasters that had happened during the past few years and Jared didn’t fail to remind me of the hurricane Katrina. I probably couldn’t remember half of the topics we talked about but what had surprised me the most was how Jared had been able to follow my train of thought the whole time. He always realized how and why I changed the topic, he never failed to see what I was talking about – and I never failed to see what he was talking about. Then, late at night he gave me a ride home and wished me goodnight.

*****

The next day the rehearsals were pure hell. Alex seemed to be having a bad day cause he wasn’t satisfied with anything. The rehearsals lasted half an hour longer than they were supposed to and like Alex’s attitude wouldn’t have been enough Anthony kept looking at me in a really creepy way for the whole time we were rehearsing. When the rehearsals finally ended I was rather relieved. We stayed talking for a while but within ten minutes all of us were out the room, out the building and in the warm summer air, the sun was shining and it was exactly one of those days that LA was famous for. When I stepped out of the building I noticed a black car that was parked a little farther and a man walking towards me. I smiled at him and he smiled at me.

“It’s a funny coincide how I always happen to be here at the same time you are.” Jared said as he walked towards me. I laughed and nodded my head. 

“A coincide indeed.”

“How are you?”

“Not the best rehearsals.”

“How come?”

“I don’t know. Let’s not talk about it.” I said. The tone of my voice might’ve made the rehearsals seem way worse than what they actually were but somehow I relied on Jared knowing I was able to be a bit over dramatic when I wanted to.

“Well, if you wish tonight you don’t have to think about the rehearsals.”

“What else would I think about? I have no life.” I said sounding as miserable as I was possibly able to.

“Tonight you do.”

“Have you set me on a blind date? That’s so sweet of you.”

“Have you ever been on a blind date, by the way?”

“No, and I’m not planning on going.”

“Good. Cause it’s not a blind date. I was hoping you’d let me take you out for dinner.” Jared said carefully. He seemed like a little schoolboy who was really nervous to ask a girl to go to the movies with him. I smiled at the image in my head.

“Are you serious?”

“Of course I am.” Jared said, sounding a bit hurt when I had dared to question his seriousness. He had the cutest sparkle in his eyes and I couldn’t stop myself from laughing. “What do you think?”

“I think… Why not.”

*****

I had just come out of the shower and was finishing doing my make-up when Kimberly suddenly knocked on my door and without waiting for a proper answer she entered. First she looked at me and then at the black dress that was lying on my bed. She sat down on my bed next to the dress and picked up the jewellery I had spread over the bed.

“Where are you going?” Kimberly asked as she was carefully examining a pearl necklace I had gotten from my father on my 18th birthday.

“Out.”

“You haven’t been home for ages. Who is he?”

“What do you mean ‘he’?”

“You’re going on a date, I can see that.”

“It’s just dinner.”

“Don’t lie.”

“I’ve been out on couple of nights.” I said as I picked up few rings and necklaces from my bed and put them on.

“With him. Why do you have someone and I don’t?”

“Kimberly, come on. The reason you don’t have anyone is cause you just turn everyone down. Remember Mark, for instance, he was a great guy.”

“He was way too obsessed with work.”

“No, he wasn’t.”

“What kind of a guy is he?”

“Well…” I began without even knowing what I was about to say. I could’ve just told her who it was but she wouldn’t have believed. And I didn’t really feel like telling her. “He’s… a nice guy.” I said and Kimberly turned to face me very slowly with very disbelieving look on her face.

“A nice guy? Katrina, please.”

“What?”

“Is he good looking?”

“I really have to get ready, Kimberly, please.”

“Is he?”

“Kimberly…” I whispered with a very begging tone but she wasn’t in the smallest intensions of letting it go.

“What! I wanna know! Is he dark haired, how tall, eye color, anything, you always tell me these things.”

“I have to get ready.”

“Katrina, why can’t you tell me?”

“Dark hair, taller than me, blue eyes. Now, I have to get ready.”

“Long or short hair?” Kimberly asked and I sighed desperately. Kimberly just stared at me and I knew she wasn’t going to move a fingertip before she got the answer she was anxiously graving for.

“Rather long than short.”

“Is he hot?”

“Kimberly.”

“I bet he is.”

“Please…”

“He must be. Dancers always get the hottest guys.” Kimberly said and left the room. She was often like that. Every time I was going out and she was staying home alone. But if she ever went out and I stayed home alone she would tell me to stop whining and asking questions she didn’t wanna answer to. I got dressed real quickly, I put on the dress and high heels and put my phone and keys into my handbag and I was ready to go. I walked down the stairs, across the living room and out of the house. I shouted ‘bye’ to Kimberly but I didn’t even get a proper answer. There was a black car parked on the side of the street. It was Jared’s car. And when I walked closer to it the door was opened for me. I got in, knowing Kimberly was pissed because she hadn’t seen the man, and after closing the door I turned to face Jared. He looked handsome. He had on black tight jeans, a white button up shirt and a black jacket.

*****

Once we arrived at the restaurant I couldn’t really believe my eyes. Jared parked the car, got out and walked around the car to open the door for me. And once I had gotten out he revealed the bunch of 12 roses he had been hiding behind his back.

“No…” I whispered half laughing when Jared handed me the roses. “Thank you.” I whispered frailly, Jared gave me the sweetest smile as he put his arm around me and began to lead me into the restaurant. It was one of the fanciest restaurants in LA. I had never been there but I had heard that all the rich and famous people in LA always went to that restaurant. Once we got inside we were led to a window table in the second floor of the restaurant. The restaurant was decorated with reddish colors, there were chandeliers in the ceiling and candles on every table. The view from the window was amazing and our table was a bit apart from all the others, it was in a quiet and peaceful corner.

“Do you like this place?” Jared asked while I was still captivated by the view.

“I’ve never been here but this is beautiful.” I said and got a happy smile from Jared. He looked straight into my eyes, his eyes sparkled even more when he smiled and I knew I couldn’t have turned my look away even if I would’ve tried.

“You look beautiful.” Jared whispered with the sweetest tone in his voice.

“Thank you.” I said until a waiter suddenly came to us and handed us the menus. The menus were big, thick and they looked kinda royal.

“What do you wanna have?” Jared asked when the waiter had left. I felt a bit overwhelmed with all the choices the menu offered me.

“I don’t know. What’s good here?”

“Pretty much everything. That’s the only bad thing about this place. You can never decide what you want, there are too many options.”

“You often come here?”

“I’ve been here twice. One time we came here with guys to celebrate the good success of an album and the other time I came here with friends to celebrate a premiere of a movie. So, this is very much a celebrating place.”

“So are we celebrating something?”

“Let’s celebrate the upcoming show. And the fact we have great dancers.” Jared said and gave me a cute smile. We read through the menus at least twice before we decided what we wanted. The waiter took the order and left and we stayed staring at the view. “I’m happy you came with me tonight.” Jared said half whispering when I turned my look away from the view and towards him.

“You shouldn’t have got me those roses.”

“Why not?”

“Because… I don’t know. I’m just not used to anything like this.”

“You mean dinner or…”

“No, I mean this kind of restaurant, roses, anything.”

“But it isn’t too bad, is it?”

“No.”

“See, I knew you’d like this.” Jared said and smiled playfully. “And here you don’t have to worry about some girls running over to us. It’s…” Jared said and like secretly glanced around us. “… almost just you and me.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“We don’t have to worry about anyone else.” Jared said half whispering, he looked straight into my eyes, I looked straight into his and focused on listening to the slow, peaceful and beautiful music that was playing in the background. I wondered what he was thinking. He seemed to be memorizing every little shade of my eyes and he seemed extremely fascinated with what he was examining.

“I’ve been thinking about what you said about the certain kind of people. And… the reason why those girls’ words hurt me so much has to do with something that happened to me a couple of years back. And I can’t help that, I can’t tell myself to stop feeling that way.”

“I know. And I’m not asking you to tell me what has happened, of course I’d wanna know but it’s up to you if you ever wanna share it.”

“I just want you to know what I’m going through if we’re somewhere and someone comes up saying something like that… Cause I’m not gonna be fine with it.” I said and Jared nodded his head like he would’ve actually understood me.

“It’s hard when you talk like that and really I have no idea where it comes from. But I’m always gonna be there, that’s for sure.”

“I can take it when someone says that they hate my dancing, it’s okay at an audition if they tell me I suck. I know it’s not about me, but with those girls…”

“Trust me it wasn’t about you. They don’t know you. They just say that cause they’re mean to everybody, anyone who would’ve been in your spot you would’ve gotten the same words.”

“I kinda know that. I mean I do know that but it doesn’t help the way it makes me feel.”

“I understand that. Just don’t worry about it – but if you do I wanna know about it.” Jared said firmly but I could tell he was joking, I nodded my head and Jared gave me a playful smile. “Tell me about your cat.” Jared said sounding like he was completely serious but I burst laughing.

“You wanna know about my cat?”

“Of course I do. I love animals.”

“Well, you asked for it. Her name is Lily. Back when I lived in Texas I used to go collect a huge bunch of Lilies every Saturday after cleaning up my room, then I would put them in a vase and place them on my nightstand and when I got a cat it was sort of obvious to name her Lily. She has long coat, she’s white with one brown ear and one brown paw and she likes to go outside for walks.” I sounded so proud when I was talking about my cat, it seemed like I would’ve been talking about my child who had just graduated from college. But my cat was my baby. Jared had an amused smile on his face as he listened.

“I’ve never had a cat. I’ve just had dogs.”

“So you’re a dog person?”

“I love both, dogs and cats.”

“We had dogs back in Texas, mostly shepherds. At the moment dad has three Australian shepherds and two Caucasian shepherds as guardians. Not that there would be need for guardian dogs.” I said until the waiter suddenly came back with our foods. He received thanks and we received our foods and we began eating. 

We talked about dogs while we were eating, somehow talking about food seemed appropriate at the moment and via few side paths we ended up talking about life, the life we had lived and the kind of life we would want to live. I had to admit I was a bit surprised by Jared’s honesty, he talked about everything very openly – I didn’t question for a moment that he might’ve been hiding something. And whenever I asked anything I always got an answer, it seemed like there was nothing he wouldn’t have been ready to talk about. Not that I would’ve considered myself as a person who wasn’t honest but I had few things I wasn’t ready to talk about. And even though Jared was ready to talk about anything I wanted to know he still didn’t blame me for not being able to do the same. We talked for at least an hour and after that hour I could’ve sworn we knew more about each other than some people who have known each other for years. It was amazing how topics changed from one to another and it never felt awkward and it never happened at a wrong moment, whenever the topic changed we were both ready for it and before I even realized an hour had gone the waiter came to us to take our empty plates away. We obviously weren’t ready to end our night yet when we got cups of coffee and continued our conversations. At some point we even got the talk about the topic I was excited to hear about – life on the road. I had always wanted to know how it really is and Jared was very honest about that, too. I got to hear stories, some funny ones, some horrible ones, some creepy ones and some crazy ones.

“Does it ever get lame? You’re probably never home.” I asked after Jared had told a sad story about milk that had been forgotten into the fridge and nobody had noticed it until Jared had come home after a long tour.

“Being on the road is great. But being home is great, too. Sometimes it’s hard but you get used to it.” Jared said thoughtfully. I nodded my head but really I was fully focused on the song that had just begun playing in the background. “What’s that?” Jared asked with a sweet smile on his face when he noticed how the song had captivated me.

“It’s a song I used to listen to when I was a kid.”

“Very nostalgic, isn’t it?”

“It is.” 

“Do you wanna dance?”

“But you said you couldn’t dance.”

“But I learn pretty quickly.” Jared said and gave me the cutest smile, he stood up, walked over to me and offered me his hand. I couldn’t stop myself from laughing. “Come on.” Jared said half laughing and I had no choice but to take his hand. Jared pulled me close to him and when I was standing right in front of him he wiped hair aside from my face and slowly ran his fingers down my neck, he looked straight into my eyes and gently placed his hands on my lower back. All it took was one step when it became very clear that Jared had lied to me. He knew how to dance. There was no question of that. He was leading the steps, he knew exactly what he was supposed to do and that’s exactly what he did. And he did it well.

“You liar…” I whispered quietly. Jared smiled and pulled me even closer to him, he drowned his fingers into my hair and looked so deep into my eyes I was sure he was able to see my thoughts.

“I said I learn pretty quickly.” Jared said half laughing and I couldn’t help but to laugh. He was so close to me and I was so close to him, somehow it all felt like the only right thing in the world.

“What were you about to say yesterday?” I asked half whispering. Jared smiled sweetly, pulled me right close to him and drowned his fingers into my hair.

“You’re impatient…” Jared whispered into my ear. I felt his lips on my skin.

“I’ve been waiting for a day, how’s that for impatient.”

“So is another day gonna make any difference?”

“I don’t know…” I whispered when shivers ran down my back, it was because Jared’s fingers ran down my neck. I turned to face him and he looked into my eyes and smiled in the most gentle way that made me feel like I was the only thing in the whole universe that he wanted to see. “What?” I whispered when Jared moved closer to me.

“You’re just so beautiful…” Jared whispered while he was examining my eyes. My heart was racing but it didn’t feel uncomfortable at all. His fingers traveled up my neck, up my chin and gently Jared lifted my chin so I was facing him. He looked into my eyes, I was lost in his and before I got to think like a wise adult I was completely lost – but I didn’t even want to be anything else. I closed my eyes and I felt how his lips touched mine, so gently, so softly, and I didn’t even want to pull away. I answered to his kiss, carefully, it was slow, gentle, peaceful and no matter how long it lasted it ended way too soon. I took few breaths before I opened my eyes. Jared looked into my eyes, you would think he would’ve remembered every little detail about them already but he didn’t seem to be satisfied. The look in his eyes told me more than a million words ever could’ve and no matter how scary it felt to admit it I was lost – not only in his eyes or in the moment but mostly in the way I felt.

“What were you about to say yesterday?” I asked whispering with a playful smile on my face. Jared laughed quietly, he had the cutest sparkle in his eyes.

“You’re not giving up, are you?” Jared asked half whispering. I shook my head. “I think I just pretty much explained it.”

The song that was playing in the background made it feel like a fairytale. When I had been a little girl I had been sitting in my room, listening to that song and dreaming of something quite like that.

Thank you all for commeting on the previous chapter and I hope you like this one.
And if you do you might also want to check out my fully original story called "See me like your dreams see mine".

*****

I arrived at the rehearsals ten minutes earlier than what I was supposed to be there but I would’ve hated to be late from the very first rehearsals so I decided to play it safe. When I got to the venue and finally was able to find the room where the rehearsals would be I found Alex talking with a dark haired guy who was dressed in blue tights and a sleeveless white top. His hair was short but it was pulled back with hair gel. He seemed a bit taller than me and he was quite muscular.

“Katrina, hi!” Alex exclaimed with a happy smile on his face when he noticed me. I walked towards him and the other guy with a shy smile on my face. The other guy seemed very much like a ballet dancer – judging by the tights he was wearing. I didn’t really feel like analyzing what he thought of me. I was wearing white capri sweatpants, a red t-shirt and a white hoodie along with sneakers. The other guy did look at me from my head to my toes but I refused to be intimidated by it.

“Katrina, this is Anthony. Anthony – Katrina.” Alex introduced us, I gave a smile to Anthony but he didn’t seem too impressed with me. “I believe you two have graduated from the same school, right?” Alex said and looked at us in turns. I had never seen Anthony before. I knew I would’ve remembered it if I would’ve. He seemed like a person who was hard to forget.

“Really? When did you graduate?” I asked from Anthony – no matter how scary he seemed.

“Two years ago. You were majored in ballet, you stayed there when I graduated, I saw you very often.” Anthony suddenly listed like he would’ve known everything about me. I glanced at Alex with trepidation in my eyes when Anthony seemed even more terrifying than a moment ago.

“Yeah… I can’t really remember seeing you. What was your major?” I asked. I tried to act as cool as possible.

“Ballet.” Anthony said without any further explanations. He really had seemed like a ballet dancer to me. Despite the fact he was actually pretty muscular. Just when I was about to run away the door opened and a blond haired girl stepped in.

“Cheryl!” I exclaimed with a happy tone in my voice. Cheryl screamed and ran to me, she wrapped her arms around me and we shared an excited hug before calming down. “Oh my god, why didn’t you tell me!” I half shouted but Cheryl seemed way too excited to speak. Cheryl was one of the people who I knew from the auditions. She was a great dancer and a sweet friend.

“I was so confused when Alex called me, I didn’t know what to do.” Cheryl began explaining until the door opened and a dark haired guy stepped in.

“There comes our missing sheep. Come on in, Justin.” Alex said to the guy who walked towards us. He seemed like full blown break-dancer, but it might’ve been mostly because of the three sizes too big sweatpants he was wearing. But he seemed nice. I could’ve sworn I had talked with him at some auditions before but I didn’t really know him that well.

“So, Justin, Anthony, Katrina and Cheryl – you are the chosen four. Some of you might already know what the plan is…” Alex said and gave me an oblique look. I looked around like to see if anyone else noticed the look Alex gave me but everybody seemed to ignore it. Alex began explaining how we’d dance in pairs and what we’d be wearing – everything Jared had already told me. After Alex’s speech we began learning the choreography, which seemed like a relatively easy routine but I could’ve sworn something worse was coming up.

*****

The rehearsals were about to come to their end and the last thing left was that Alex decided to show us the whole routine from the beginning to the end and we should all magically remember it right away. We had been practicing parts of it but we still didn’t know the entire picture. So Alex turned on the music as we all sat on the floor ready to see what we had gotten ourselves into. Then all of a sudden we heard some noise coming from the corridor and a moment later the door suddenly opened and a shy looking man stepped in. We all turned to see who was coming in, Alex turned the music off and turned to see the enterer as well. A lonely butterfly flew around in my stomach when I noticed the person who had just walked in. It was a man who was dressed in those grey shoes, black tight jeans, a checkered shirt and he had a phone in his hands. He probably hadn’t shaved since the last time I had seen him, judging by his beard, but he looked good with it.

“Hi.” Jared said carefully as he stepped into the room. He came closer with a shy smile on his face while everybody just stared at him.

“This is an unusual time to show up.” Alex said half laughing and glanced at us. “I’ll show you the routine real quickly and I’ll see you tomorrow.” Alex said, turned on the music and began the routine. Jared stayed standing behind us and via a mirror on the opposite wall my eyes met with his. I smiled shyly but Jared just stared at me. I turned my look back to Alex who was having kinda hard time showing us the routine by himself when basically everything in the routine was meant to be tied up together with the dancing pair. When Alex finally finished the routine I was sure I couldn’t remember half of it. We all got up, exchanged a few words, Cheryl and Justin talked with Jared for a little while, Anthony just grabbed his stuff and left and I exchanged a couple of words with Alex. He told me I was wonderful and all the rest and as soon as Cheryl and Justin began putting their stuff together in order to leave Jared came to me and Alex and put his other arm around me.

“Sorry, do you mind if I steal her?” Jared asked and Alex just shrugged his shoulders and told me he’d see me at the rehearsals the next day. I nodded my head and smiled, I grabbed my bag and bottle of water and let Jared lead me out of the room. We walked down the corridor in silence and at some point I began feeling uncomfortable. Not by the silence but by the fact Jared hadn’t said a word to me yet. “How did the rehearsals go?” Jared finally asked, I sighed of relief when the silence was over. I turned to face Jared and as soon as I noticed the smile on his face I couldn’t help but to smile, too.

“Okay. Except that the other male dancer really creeps me out.” I said as shivers ran down my back just thinking about Anthony’s presence. Jared laughed compassionately; maybe he had noticed the same creepiness in Anthony.

“Let’s go for lunch.” Jared said very negligently, like it would’ve been the most natural thing to say. Like we would’ve had an actual plan.

“Hey, wow! Since when?” I exclaimed feeling a tiny bit surprised by the sudden suggestion. I stopped walking and stayed standing in the middle of the corridor. “I haven’t signed up for lunch.” I said when Jared turned around and looked at me with a questioning look on his face. “Besides I’m wearing sport clothing.”

“So?” Jared asked half laughing. I looked at him, feeling a tiny bit frustrated after he had turned down my concerns so coldly.

“Well it doesn’t matter if we’re going to McDonald’s.”

“You wanna go to McDonald’s?”

“No!” I exclaimed desperately. “That was the point.”

“Come on, it’s a lunch. Not some fancy candle light dinner.”

“You’re so romantic, aren’t you?” I asked with very unpleased tone in my voice but Jared just laughed, put his arm around me and began leading me forward.

“Seriously.” Jared said when we finally came to the end of the corridor that felt like it was gonna go on forever, Jared opened the door for me and we stepped out from the cold building and into the warm summer weather. Before we got far Jared placed his hands on my shoulders and turned me around, he looked straight into my eyes and wiped aside a wisp of hair that had escaped from my ponytail. “Would you like to come for lunch with me?” Jared asked with the sweetest tone in his voice. I examined the look in his eyes for a moment, I wasn’t sure at all how to construe that look.

“Can I decide where we go?”

“If that’s the prize I have to pay to get a chance to have lunch with you… of course.”

“Okay.” I said and nodded my head. Jared gave me a smile and led me towards a black car that was parked in the side of the street. We got in, put on our seatbelts and we were ready to go.

“So where do you wanna go?” Jared asked as he was looking around to see if there were other cars coming.

“You know that amazing vegan restaurant two blocks away? Let’s go there.”

“As you wish. That’s a great place though.” Jared said and when it was safe he guided the car to the street and we were off towards our destination. “Katrina.” Jared suddenly called my name, sounding like it would’ve been an emergency of a bigger scenario. “There is something I have to warn you about. Some people’s life mission is to carry cameras and take pictures of other people. I just don’t want you to get scared if you’re with me and one of them suddenly appears.” Jared said and gave me the most concerned and caring glance. A glance was all he was able to give me while he was driving but that glance was more I could’ve even asked for. I laughed amusedly but I was flattered by his caring. Once at the restaurant we took over a quiet corner table just to have some peace. The menu was impressive as always but it was like both of us knew exactly what we wanted cause five minutes later we ordered and fifteen minutes later we got our foods.

“You know the other female dancer is actually a friend of mine. We met at some audition few years back.” I said as I gathered some pasta onto my fork.

“Alex said she was good. I couldn’t really remember half of the people we saw, even if they were really good.” Jared said while focusing on separating a piece from his bread. I looked at him for a moment before taking a sip of my water. I felt really tempted to ask how he had remembered me but I decided to let it go.

“Do you remember Anthony, the creepy guy? Cause really you can’t forget him. He’s really creepy.” I said and gathered some more pasta on my fork. The pasta was very slippery and every time I tried to enjoy of my accomplishment the pasta slipped off of the fork and I was back in the starting point.

“How could I not remember a guy in tights?”

“Yeah…” I said and laid a quick look towards the door. A big bunch of about 15-year-old girls emerged in and began looking for a big enough table. “Do you ever get tired of people recognizing you? I mean… can you go anywhere in peace?” I asked while I was still looking at the girls. Jared turned to see what was I was looking at before he sighed quietly.

“There are two sides in everything. Sometimes it’s not so bad, sometimes I actually meet nice people but at the point where I can’t go shop for groceries without being surrounded by cameras it’s a little lame. But that’s just how it is.”

“Jared.” I said with a slightly scared tone in my voice.

“What?” Jared asked without lifting his look from his food. He probably hadn’t noticed the tone in my voice.

“Five girls are coming towards us.” I said and once Jared lifted his look towards me the girls began screaming.

“It is him! Oh my god, look!” The girls kept screaming. I felt really anxious but Jared was acting very calmly. Jared said something to the girls, they said something back, Jared signed a few autographs and I was feeling a bit awkward. The girls were all over Jared – they were acting like they were trying to show off how beautiful and hot they were while Jared didn’t really seem to care. Just when I thought the girls were leaving one of them laid few dirty looks to my direction.

“Who the fuck is she?” One of the girls asked with a nasty tone in her voice. She sounded like Jared would’ve been hers and she was very jealous, she sounded bitter and angry and she looked at me like she would’ve wanted to kill me.

“She is a friend of mine. Have a great day.” Jared said calmly to the girls and to my surprise they did leave. But not before judging me with their eyes. I turned my look towards my food. I wasn’t hungry at all anymore. Somehow I felt disappointed when Jared hadn’t defended me, he could’ve told the girls not to talk about me or to me like that but instead he did nothing. I knew it would’ve been worthless but somehow my good mood was completely gone. I didn’t say anything, I just stared at my plate, and after a moment Jared turned to face me. “Katrina?” Jared called my name twice. I didn’t turn to face him.

“I’m really tired, after the rehearsals… I think I should go home. See you.” I said quickly, got up, stopped to pay and then left the restaurant. I didn’t get far until I heard running steps behind me and someone took a hold of my arm.

“Hey, what happened?” Jared asked, he tried to look me in the eyes but I was avoiding his look. “Katrina?”

“I’m seriously really tired. I’ll just go home.” I said and tried to wrench myself free from Jared’s hold.

“Did those girls bother you? Katrina, would you look at me?” Jared said and pretty much forced me to look him in the eyes, he took a hold of my chin and turned me to face him. He looked straight into my eyes with worried look on his face.

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” I whispered and looked at Jared with a begging look in my eyes. “Let me go.” I whispered frailly. Jared seemed really worried and he obviously didn’t want to let me go. “Please.”

“You’re not okay, I can see that.”

“Yes, I am not okay! Now would you let me go?” I exclaimed desperately. Carefully Jared put his other arm around me and tried to pull me closer to him but I pulled away. “Just… let me go.” I whispered quietly. Jared looked at me, I could tell he was feeling anxious and he didn’t really know what he should’ve done. I was asking him to do the opposite thing that he felt right to do.

“If you want to tell me what’s wrong I will listen. But if you don’t you don’t have to tell me a thing. I’m just worried about you.” Jared said while I was just staring at the ground under my feet. He looked at me for a moment, he tried to look me in the eyes but I kept avoiding his look. “Look, Katrina… I just can’t leave you alone. I can see how upset you are. Let’s go to my place and have a cup of coffee.” Jared said and no matter how much I disliked the idea I didn’t start wrenching when Jared put his other arm around me and led me to the car.

*****

I didn’t say anything on our way to Jared’s house. I felt like I should’ve said something but somehow nothing came to my mind. I was looking out of the window the whole time and when we finally got to Jared’s house I felt more like running away. At the moment his presence made me feel really anxious rather than any better but that was only cause I knew he would find the right words to say and right things to do and I wouldn’t be able to control myself. Once we got inside we headed to the kitchen, I sat down at the kitchen table while Jared began preparing coffee. I breathed deeply in and out and when Jared was finished with the preparation of the coffee I turned to face him.

“I don’t know if I can do this.” I whispered frailly and Jared walked over to me, pulled a chair right close to me and sat down.

“What are you talking about?”

“I mean… I don’t know if I can… spend time with you or… I just don’t know if I can do that.” I whispered. It felt like someone would’ve been strangling my throat. I felt tears in my eyes but crying was the last thing I wanted to do. “I just… It’s hurting when someone judges you just out of the pleasure of judging you and hurting you. I get that enough without…” I said frailly. Jared looked at me with a worried look on his face, he must’ve noticed how I felt like crying when he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me tightly into his arms. I couldn’t take it. A tear escaped the corner of my eye and after that I wasn’t able to calm myself down. Jared held me close to him, he ran his fingers through my hair and told me it was okay.

“If you felt bad about what the girls said or how they acted you really shouldn’t mind them. Some people are like that but you just ignore them.” Jared said but that didn’t help me in any way. I knew what he said was true but that knowledge didn’t make me feel any better. “Why would you even care what they say? They’re just jealous of you. You’re beautiful and talented, sweet and…”

“Stop that!” I pretty much shouted at Jared and pulled away from him. He looked a bit surprised by my reaction.

“What is wrong?” Jared asked with a bit desperate tone in his voice. I just shook my head and focused on staring at the floor.

“I just don’t need to hear that.”

“But it’s true.”

“I love being with you but I just… I don’t want to be treated like that every time we go somewhere.” 

“Why did the girls hurt you so much? I mean why do you care what they say?”

“Maybe I should just leave…”

“Katrina look at me.” Jared said firmly, he took a determined hold of my chin and pretty much forced me to look him in the eyes. I really didn’t want to. “I don’t want you to leave. And I think you shouldn’t leave. Just tell me what you want me to do here. I don’t wanna make you feel worse.” Jared said while tears ran down my cheeks. He ran fingers through my hair and looked into my eyes but I couldn’t even think straight.

“What’s wrong is way deeper than what the girls said.” I said half whispering. “I’m not sure if I can talk about that.”

“I’m not asking you to talk about something you don’t want to talk about. I’m just asking you to let me be here for you.” Jared said and I looked away from him. Jared was looking at me and my heart was racing, I felt like I was shaking and I felt a bit cold. “Can I hold you or are you just gonna pull away?” Jared asked but I didn’t turn to face him.

“Should I pull away?” I asked half whispering. Jared moved closer to me and turned me to face him.

“Why should you?” Jared asked, he looked straight into my eyes and I felt really anxious. “Katrina…” Jared whispered and I looked him in the eyes. “Tell me the truth. Do you really wanna be with me?”

“I never said I didn’t.”

“Then that is all that matters.”

“But I just don’t wanna be talked to like that every time…”

“I know, Katrina, I know that. But trust me, everybody isn’t like that. Some people are but whenever someone like that comes to the way I’m there with you. I know it’s hard and it hurts when someone is nasty towards you and I’m probably asking for the impossible and I’m sorry that I can’t promise that with me you would never face that kind of people again. The only thing I can promise you is you’re not alone. I know how you feel and I… I’m just not ready to let you go.” Jared half whispered his last sentence. He was looking straight into my eyes the whole time that he was talking. I examined the look in his eyes and I knew he was serious.

“It’s easy for you to say, everybody loves you…”

“Oh no, they don’t!” Jared exclaimed half laughing. “How dare you even think that way? Some people hate me. They really do. I know how nasty people can be, you just have to know how to deal with those kinds of people and you’ll learn to ignore them. If you want to be with me that’s all that you should care about.”

“You’re talking like we’d be in relationship.”

“I’m just not ready in any way to let go of you.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked innocently but Jared laughed quietly.

“Can’t you see it? The first time I saw you I couldn’t get my eyes off of you. At first I thought it was just cause you’re so beautiful but you’re more than that. And I really want…” Jared said until he suddenly stopped. I waited, he didn’t continue.

“What?” I whispered when I had finally gotten enough of waiting. Jared just smiled.

Hi.

Love it or hate it here it is. Thank you. :)

- Lia.

****

See me like your dreams see mine.

Chapter 2 – Waves.

People always get a sign. They just avoid seeing it cause it’s too scary and it hurts too much. They just grow weaker everyday and when they’re finally at the bottom they’re too weak to climb up.

*****

It was bright when I opened my eyes. The curtains were open and somehow the bright sunlight made me nauseous. I crawled out of my bed and dragged myself to the bathroom, I took a shower, got dressed in white tight jeans, a red halter neck top and a white sweater. I brushed some mascara on my lashes and tried different things to make myself look not so hangover but nothing seemed to work. I put on some high-heeled sandals, grabbed my phone and my keys with me and exited my room. My father was in the kitchen so I just quickly sneaked across the living room and out the front door.

I walked down the street, in a meaning to go to the beach but before I got that far my phone rang. It was Billy calling. I didn’t really feel like talking with him but decided to answer anyway.

“Hi, do you have a headache?” I asked with a playful tone in my face and got a tired sigh as an answer.

“Let’s just say I’ve had better mornings.” Billy said half laughing. “Do you wanna go out to have breakfast or something?”

“I actually just left home… but why not.”

“Okay, I’ll be at the waffle place in fifteen minutes. See you.” Billy said and we ended the call. We always went to the waffle place if we went on breakfast together. The place wasn’t too far, it was close to the beach and had the best breakfasts in the whole state. I arrived there ten minutes later and waited for a couple of minutes until Billy arrived. We decided to eat outside so after ordering we headed to a table under a big umbrella right outside the restaurant.

“How was the rest of the night?” I asked when Billy took a big sip of his water. He also swallowed a painkiller. That told me something about his night.

“Well, Katie threw up on the dance floor, Lily and Gabriel left pretty much right after you had disappeared and Kade… I have no idea where he went. I didn’t see him after midnight. And I don’t really remember much of my own night.” Billy said and I gave him one desperate smile.

“Can you ever remember anything?”

“Sometimes.” Billy said like he didn’t have a single reason to worry. “So how was your night?”

“Fine.” I said quickly, hoping we could’ve changed the subject without me having to explain any more. Who wrong was I.

“Fine? Come on, I saw the guy. What happened?”

“Just… nothing special.”

“Was he that bad?”

“No, I just… Let’s talk about something else.”

“Are you okay?” Billy asked carefully while I was staring at my breakfast plate in front of me without really feeling like eating.

“I’m okay.”

“Did he do something?”

“He was really sweet.”

“Then what is wrong? You’re all distant.”

“I really don’t feel like talking about it.” I whispered and turned my look towards the people who were passing us by on the street but instead of letting it go Billy pulled his chair closer to me and wrapped his arms around me.

“Christina, I know you. I can see you’re upset. Did he hurt you?”

“No!” I exclaimed desperately. “I just told him my age.”

“Oh… How old was he?”

“29. You know that’s 12 years… And 12 years wouldn’t matter a shit if I was 21 or something.” I sighed and took a sip of my water. A guy at a table near by was smiling at me but I didn’t smile back. He had short blond hair and the lightest blue eyes but somehow he looked very aversive.

“You have to admit he’s still a lot older than you.”

“And you have to admit you’re drinking too much, Billy.” I said and Billy nodded his head helplessly.

“I feel like the worst person to give you any advice on anything cause really I’m 17 and my life is fucked up. But I care about you, Christina. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“Just the other day Katie told me to find someone my age because she was afraid I’d get hurt, but why does she think I couldn’t get hurt with someone my age? People hurt each other, no matter how old or young they are. He didn’t hurt me. But that doesn’t mean he couldn’t. Maybe the point is to find someone who you don’t really like cause it’s way harder for them to hurt you and even if they succeed it doesn’t feel as bad as when someone you really love hurts you.” I said and Billy followed my every move as I spoke. He looked at me with an extremely observant look on his face before he leaned back in his chair and laughed quietly.

“Christina, you’re really fucked up.”

“I’m serious. People are so terrified of getting hurt they can’t breathe. I mean you really shouldn’t cross the street if you don’t wanna get hurt, you might get hit by a car. It’s the same thing with relationships; you should never get into one if you want to avoid getting hurt. You’re gonna get hurt at some point anyway. No matter how sweet the person is. Getting hurt is part of life. You just have to choose the person who hurts less. Or at least so that you’re able to live with it.”

“And what were we talking about again?” Billy asked and I knew very well he had no idea what I was talking about. And he didn’t really even care. “I think what Katie meant is that you’re a minor. And being with a nearly 30-year-old man is a crime.”

“Murder is a crime.” I said defiantly. Billy just stared at me. I could tell I was freaking him out and he didn’t know what to answer.

“I believe that deep inside the reason for our behaviors is that we just want to get away. Escape, or just forget but we think we are incapable of facing all the bad sides of life and as we avoid all the bad things we only grow weaker. I mean a boxer doesn’t get stronger if he doesn’t practice. How could a human become stronger if they never face anything bad? I think so and I still drink. But I don’t get what it is that is so bad about your life? You have a wonderful family – at least your father is a great person –, you have friends, people love you, you’re good in school, you’re talented, sweet, funny, beautiful and I know you can have anyone you want. Where are you trying to get to?”

“I’m not trying to get to anywhere. I just… I want something I can never have. And it hurts to realize that.” I said quietly, Billy looked me in the eyes and sighed deeply. “Do you know that… sometimes when I go to bed at night…” I began saying as tears burned my eyes. Billy noticed it. I knew he did. “I wonder where you are, if you’re okay cause I’m terrified that one day someone will tell me you drank your life away. Cause you’re the only one who really knows me, people think they do but they don’t. I need you, Billy. It hurts me to see you completely wasted cause it makes me so scared…” I whispered while tears traveled down my cheeks. Billy looked at me with a sad look on his face. I knew I was asking something he could never promise me so he just moved closer to me and pulled me into his arms.

“But how can you know when it’s too late to change? If you keep waiting for the day, waiting for the sign, someone to tell you it’s now or never… What if that sign never comes and when you finally realize it’s time to change it’s too late?” Billy whispered into my ear and I shook my head hopelessly.

“Billy, you know that. People always get a sign and you’ve had yours. You just avoid seeing it cause changing is too scary and it hurts too much. You just grow weaker and weaker everyday and when you’re finally at the bottom you’re too weak to climb up. That’s when it’s too late. And just because you had signs but you ignored them.”

“Nowadays they fix people’s eyes that can’t see but… they still don’t know how to fix a heart that doesn’t see.”

“No because you have to do it!” I pretty much screamed at Billy. My hands were shaking a bit. “You can’t wait for someone to fix your life for you, Billy, you have to do it yourself! No-one’s gonna help you if you just lie in self pity and do nothing, no-one’s gonna help you if you don’t help yourself! I try even though you don’t – but you see I can’t fix your life for you.”

The look in Billy’s eyes was ashamed. He was sad and he was scared and as much as I loved him I knew I hurt him every time I brought that topic up. I had tried to wake him up for years but I had never succeeded. But I tried. I loved him too much to give up on him. And I wanted to think he was right. Pain would make him stronger. So that one day he would be strong enough to pull himself up.

*****

After finishing breakfast with Billy I headed over to the beach. I needed a walk. I needed a moment to breathe, fly, feel the waves and the wind and forget how messed up everything was. Once at the beach I took my shoes off and walked barefooted in the warm sand. The water was cool and the sun was warm. The rays of sun lingered on my skin, I closed my eyes and breathed the smell of the wind, kids were screaming a little farther but all the noise disappeared when I returned to my memories. Memories of the future I never wanted to come true. I saw a garden. I saw a lot of people, I saw flowers, black suits, shiny shoes, tissues and the sun was shining more brightly than it had never shined before. Birds soared across the sky and they sang. People sang too and one by one they walked over to the photograph, cried, laid down flowers and they left. More than being alone it hurt me to realize they were able to leave, mothers were able to leave, fathers and sisters were able to leave and… they were all ready to move on like nothing ever happened. They say if you fuck up your life it’s your fault. And when you’re the only one to blame you’re alone. People don’t care as long as everything is okay in their own little lives. But when they are down they will soon run to you like waiting for you to lift them up. Even though they never did that for you. People are selfish. Not everybody but most people. Even if they thought they weren’t.

I had been walking for at least an hour when I sensed how someone was walking towards me. I opened my eyes but I didn’t turn around, I didn’t want to. I just kept walking. The steps came closer and closer and then suddenly a hand landed on my shoulder. I got really startled, I turned around ready to hit the person who had dared to scare me like that but when I noticed who it was I froze. I stared into the eyes that were staring at me and I felt really guilty.

“I’m sorry, I scared you.”

“It’s okay.” I said and turned around, I began walking away but the person didn’t give up.

“Christina wait.” Cole said and took a hold of my arm. I turned to face him and no matter how lonely I had been feeling earlier I suddenly felt a lot better. “I’m really sorry.”

“About what?”

“This might sound crazy but I’m not sorry for doing what I did with you – no matter how sorry I should be… but I am sorry for shouting at you, I’m sorry for hurting you and I’m sorry for acting in a really stupid way. I was just so confused. I’ve always thought 17-year-old girls are just kids and older guys who are attracted to them are freaks but… you’re everything but a kid. And I’ve never considered myself as a freak.” Cole said but I turned my look away from him.

“It feels really wrong that you apologize when it was me who… Do you think it’s lying if you leave something untold?”

“Well, if I would be the one not telling something I’d say no but if I’d wanna get mad at someone for lying I’d say it is.”

“But what do you really think?”

“It makes sense that it’s not. Everything doesn’t have to be told and it’s not lying. Lying is if you say something that is not true. But however if I had been really concerned about your age I would’ve asked before acting. At least I wanna think I would’ve been capable of doing that.” Cole said half laughing as he turned to look at the horizon and he sighed deeply. I looked at the sand under my feet. I felt a little bit confused. And I felt really guilty, sad, tired, I had no idea what I would do – with anything. “The truth is that what happened is illegal. I’m 12 years older than you and you’re a minor.” Cole said and turned to face me. I kept staring at the sand, I didn’t want to see the look on Cole’s face.

“It’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have… done anything that I did…” I began saying but the words just disappeared. I was still upset about my conversation with Billy and I wasn’t ready to have a mature conversation with Cole no matter how much I would’ve wanted that. Cole noticed I was a bit messed up so he moved closer to me, like to offer me a shelter from the bad world. And I needed it.

“Come here…” Cole whispered and pulled me tightly into his arms. I didn’t fight back. I knew I should’ve. I closed my eyes and rested my head against his chest. I felt safe. “What has happened?” Cole asked sounding like he actually cared. I didn’t answer. Cole drowned his fingers into my hair and held me close to him. I was really scared and tired and confused and lost but I somehow I still felt like it was all going to be okay.

“I’m really selfish.” I whispered quietly. “I mean… who am I to tell someone to change their life because really I can’t say I’m doing it just for them. Because of course I think how bad it would make me feel to lose someone. How can I know that’s not my only motive to say and do the things I say and do? Of course I care about the person but…”

“You’re not a selfish person, Christina. That’s how people are.”

“But I don’t wanna be like people are, people are superficial and…”

“Listen – it’s human nature, of course you think about the way it would make you feel if you lost a person you care about but that doesn’t mean that you’d try to help someone purely because of selfish motives. You try to help because you care, but those things are normal things to think about. Thinking about that doesn’t make you selfish.” Cole said and no matter how hard I fought a lonely tear escaped the corner of my eye. “You can talk to me.” Cole whispered but I shook my head.

“I’m too fucked up to talk about it.” I whispered and wiped the tears from my cheeks. I looked at the ocean and the horizon and breathed deeply in and out. “This is all just too much for one day…” I whispered helplessly and wiped hair aside from my face.

“Have you had breakfast already?” Cole suddenly asked and I nodded my head without thinking about it too much. “Okay, how about ice cream?” Cole asked, I thought about his question for a moment before turning to face him. He looked serious.

“What?” I asked half laughing, I felt like I had missed a part of our conversation – a part, which might’ve helped me to understand where Cole was going to with his questions.

“Do you like ice cream?”

“Yeah…”

“Then come on.” Cole said and wrapped his other arm around me but I wrenched myself free. Cole gave me a questioning look – like he felt like he had missed a part of our conversation. “What is it?”

“I just… why?”

“Why not?”

“Well… I’m 17 for starters.” I said half laughing, Cole laughed and gave me the cutest smile.

“Well, as far as I know having ice cream is not illegal.” Cole said and when I still didn’t look convinced he came closer and looked straight into my eyes. “Look, Christina… This is going to sound crazy but I really think you’re a sweet girl. I thought that way before I knew your age. If you’re not busy for couple of hours let’s go get ice cream, there’s nothing wrong in that.”

“But… isn’t it kind of stupid, having to think what is wrong and what is not?”

“Maybe, but most of the things I have done in my life have been wrong so one more doesn’t even count anymore. And what do you have to lose? If it ever goes to court I’m the one going to jail anyway.” Cole said half laughing and I couldn’t stop myself from laughing. Cole wrapped his other arm around me and we began walking along the beach.

The sand was still warm and the sun was shining from a cloudless sky. We talked about the weather, I told him about my childhood spent in the UK and how much more I loved the LA weather. Cole talked about growing up in Illinois and how scary it had been to move to LA when he had gone to college to study photographing. He told me about his work as a photographer, he talked about the photos he had taken and how he had gotten interested about photographing and I listened to every single word he said. I actually wanted to hear every single word he said.

Finally, after walking for a while and getting our ice creams we sat down on a shady spot we were able to find from the beach and I told Cole how much I did not love high school. He related. He hadn’t liked it himself.

“Are you good at school?” Cole asked and I shrugged my shoulders.

“I guess I am… which seems really funny considering how much I dislike it.” I said and got a compassionate sigh from Cole. “And all the teachers dislike me.”

“Oh no, that’s nothing compared to how much my teachers disliked me. I was a horrible kid.”

“And now you’re all grown up? Wiser and…” I stopped talking when Cole turned to face me. I looked into his eyes for a second before adding. “…grown-up.”

“Well… not exactly. But you don’t exactly seem like one of those bad girls. I mean the kind teachers hate.”

“I knew what you meant.” I said and focused on following how little girls were building a sand castle near by. I smiled at their innocent excitement before turning to face Cole again. “But… if you’re not wise and grown-up then what are you?”

“I guess I’m still learning.”

“Learning what?”

“How to be an adult.”

“You don’t seem like a bad guy.”

“Well, I don’t think I am. But I’ve done some pretty stupid things in my days.”

“Like what?” I asked before I even realized I had something to say. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so nosy.” I added quickly before Cole got to answer – if he was ever going to in the first place.

“No, it’s okay.” Cole said and looked at the horizon for a while. He didn’t seem to be in the smallest intentions of answering. But I didn’t blame him.

“Have you ever been with a minor before?” I asked with the most serious look on my face but Cole burst laughing. He turned to face me and suddenly I felt ashamed.

“Not that I would know about it.” Cole answered and gave me a teasing smile. I felt even more ashamed.

“Do you think I did a horrible thing?”

“Well… you shouldn’t have been drinking but all the rest you had some help with. I’m just as guilty as you are.” Cole said. I looked away from him and it seemed like for a moment he was examining all the little details about my presence. “Do you feel bad about it?”

“About drinking?”

“No.” Cole said. And that was all he said, he didn’t give me any further explanations. He just looked into my eyes like he would’ve been staring at a piece of art.

“Not really. Should I?”

“That’s up for you to decide. I know I don’t.”

“But you don’t ever wanna do it again.”

“If it only was about what I want. Technically it’s illegal.”

“Yeah but… what does it matter if I want it just as much as you?” I said and Cole shook his head. He sighed deeply and gave me a smile.

“I don’t know.” Cole said half whispering. I turned my look away from him and when I did he moved closer to me. I didn’t turn to face him, instead I closed my eyes and shut out the world. Cole ran his fingers through my hair and down my neck and finally he took a gentle hold of my chin and turned me to face him. I opened my eyes and looked into his eyes, my heart was racing and I knew exactly what was about to happen. Cole drowned his fingers into my hair and pulled me closer to him, he looked so deep into my eyes it felt like he was able to see every single one of my thoughts and feel every single one of my emotions. “See, I’m a horrible person. I know exactly what I’m about to do but I’m not going to try and stop myself. And I’m not going to ask you whether you want it or not.” Cole whispered and then, when the waves were hitting against a rock at the shore he kissed me. Somehow his words stayed lingering in the back of my head but where every other girl would’ve felt scared I didn’t. In a way it seemed like no matter how harsh or cruel Cole’s words seemed I knew he wasn’t like that. He wouldn’t have done a thing to hurt me. When I thought I wasn’t able to breathe anymore Cole pulled farther from me, he looked into my eyes and breathed deeply in and out. “Are you sure you’re 17?”

“That’s what people tell me.”

“Hasn’t anyone ever asked your age when you’ve gone to a nightclub?”

“Well, sometimes but… most of the time no-one seems to care.”

“You should be careful with that.” Cole said and I turned my look away.

“I know.” I said quietly. “I have a friend who drinks a lot. Sometimes I go with my friends just cause I wanna make sure he’s gonna be okay. But… like last night even before we got in he was so drunk it hurt me to watch that. I needed to get away. I was selfish.” I whispered quietly. A tear sneaked to the corner of my eye just thinking about how worried I was of Billy but I fought back like the strongest soldier even though I knew I wasn’t a soldier. “When I saw you last night I immediately glued my eyes on you, I thought you were so good looking and you seemed like a great guy and… I was right. And I knew you were older than me, I mean of course you were. But I was selfish and ignored that. Someone could tell me that I got what I wanted and now I should be happy but I’m not. I’m not proud of being stupid.” I said half whispering. Cole moved even closer to me and put his arm around me.

“Can I tell you a secret? I’ve been 17, too. I know what it is, and I know why it’s exciting to…”

“It’s not even exciting! I’m not a bad person. I don’t hook up with random guys cause I’d wanna hook up with random guys. You just… when we were talking you seemed to understand, I really felt like you cared and not just cause I’m a minor but you cared about me as a person and you really wanted to spend time with me… somehow I hoped that you could’ve seen in me what I saw in you.” I said and right after my last sentence Cole pulled a little farther from me and looked straight into my eyes.

“What is that?”

“I don’t wanna explain it. That would just ruin it.” I said. And Cole examined the look in my eyes.

“Last night I felt like a criminal. But somehow I wasn’t sorry. I’m still not sorry. I’m just as selfish as you are. I wanted you. And I got you. But I never wanted to hurt you. And when I think like a really wise adult I know I liked you way before I knew your age. I really think you’re very, very beautiful, you’re fun to be around, you’re sweet, kind and… just an amazing girl. Then something tells me I’m an idiot who is 12 years older than you. But… even after that I still like you.”

“Don’t say that just to…”

“I’m serious.” Cole said interrupting my sentence. “When I saw you today… I could’ve walked away. That thought just never happened to cross my mind. And I’m not even sure if I know why.”

“How can you talk like that about a person you’ve just met? I mean you don’t really even know me that well.”

“How about… a movie tomorrow?”

“Let me remind you I’m 17.”

“Do you think I’m an idiot?”

“Well, kind of. I’m 17 and you’re 29 – you shouldn’t give a shit about me.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t. But I do.” Cole said thoughtfully. “I care about you just as much as you care about me. Let us find out why.”

Hi. 

I'm heading to school in a few hours, my class begins at 5 PM which is insane but that only means that I will have all these days time to write in the middle of practising to my final exams as I'm only going to school in the evenings. So here is something I've been writing and I've enjoyed of writing this.

This is a story I've posted before but it's not up anymore. I made changes and I'm posting it now.And I'm letting it stay up - at least for a while. This story is very much "me" and it will be that in the future as well, and I have to say it is refreshing to write a completely original story and I will definately keep updating this story if anyone at all is interested to read it and even if noboby cares I will still post more because writing is what keeps me sane. 

So I really hope you like this and I thank you for everything. I hope I will get to chat with you soon and... Thank you.

- Lia.

*****

See me like your dreams see mine.

Chapter 1 – A pearl necklace.

'Baby, I can't be fooled
You'd be my truth, you'd be my lie
You'd be my whisper I can't hear when I'm blind'

*****

Sitting in front of the mirror and running the powder brush across my forehead I examined my eyes; they looked somehow tired and kinda weepy no matter how I tried to make them look okay. I blended up the eyeliner around my eyes and added some white eye shadow to the inner corners of my eyes and after making the conscious decision of not being able to make myself look any better I stood up and walked over to my wardrobe. I knew it wasn’t too cold outside so I could wear pretty much anything I wanted. Finally I ended up pulling a black, short dress out of my wardrobe. I put the dress on and searched for a black shiny belt and put it around my waist. I put on black high heels and brushed few black crystal decorations into my hair. I thought about putting on a black necklace my father had given me for my birthday a couple of years ago but decided not to, instead I searched for a long pearl necklace I had hiding in the back of the box where I stored all my jewellery. I never felt like wearing anything dad had given me when I was going to a nightclub. I took my handbag with me and grabbed a warm but good-looking sweater with me before exiting my room, walking down the stairs and out of the house.

Few drunken men passed me by on my way and I saw how they turned to look at me and I heard how they talked about me. But I didn’t turn to look at them. I had learned not to care about that kind of men. The nightclub wasn’t far, just about twenty minute walk, but on a Friday night that short of a walk was long enough to show you what kind of creeps crawled out of their hiding places when the human side of Los Angeles was laid to rest for a night. One block away from the nightclub I noticed two girls and three guys sitting on one bench, one girl being so wasted she could barely talk. I walked towards them but before I was even next to them one of the guys began shouting, he stood up and rushed to me, he wrapped his arms around my waist and as he lifted me up he spun around for few times. I laughed at his playful gesture and told him to stop the screaming or I would be deaf for the rest of my life.

“Christina, you are my sunshine!” The guy, Billy, exclaimed as he let me down and landed a kiss on my cheek. I laughed at him and he wrapped his arm around my neck and began leading me towards the bench where the rest were sitting. All of them were from my school. Billy had been my good friend since the kindergarten times in the UK. The guy with black hair and the darkest brown eyes I had ever seen was Kade who I had met about five years ago when he had offered me a cigarette and I told him I didn’t smoke but I ended up smoking the cigarette after our conversation that didn’t end until in the morning hours. Gabriel was my father’s friend’s son and I had known him for my whole life, he had even been my boyfriend on the first grade and we hadn’t broken up until on the second grade – overall our relationship had been wonderful but we just hadn’t felt like warming up the old fire later on in our lives. The girl who was completely wasted was Katie, a girl who looked like a model with her long blond hair and thin legs and she was as naive as a naive girl can possibly be – I hadn’t known her for all that long but she was fun to hang out with. My best friend Lily had a long light brown hair with few natural highlights and her green eyes were something magical, she wasn’t too tall (she was still taller than me) and not all that skinny and I loved that chick no matter what – we had known each other for our whole lives, our moms had been best friends, and for as long as I could remember we had been inseparable.

Once Kade had wrapped his arms around Katie cause she wasn’t able to walk on her own we all began making our way towards the nightclub. Billy still held his arm wrapped around my neck and I was about to fall a few times when he kept pushing me. He had always been like that. He had always been pushing me and teasing me and everybody told me he had a crush on me though he had never expressed that to me. Once at the nightclub we all got a little nervous that we might not get in cause Katie was so wasted but we still decided to try. Billy released his hold of me and me and Lily wrapped our arms around each other, she had her arm around my neck and I had my arm around her waist cause she was a bit taller than me. We walked towards the front door and towards the bouncers who looked as scary as they were possibly able to. They gave us few suspicious looks but no-one really cared.

“Good evening, ladies.” The other bouncer said as he looked at Lily and me. He looked at us from our heads to our toes and gave us a wicked smile.

“Good evening.” I replied with a flirty tone in my voice. The other bouncer looked at me with one dirty look on his face so I blinked at him and got him a little confused. He tried to act like he didn’t get confused but I knew he did.

“Wanting to get in?” The other bouncer, not the confused one but the other, asked and looked me in the eyes. I nodded my head with a sweet smile on my face. “Are they with you?” He asked and pointed at Katie, Kade, Billy and Gabriel.

“Yeah, Katie’s just a bit tired but she’ll be okay.” I answered – like that wouldn’t have been the most cliché answer I ever could’ve given him – and the bouncer nodded his head, he opened the door and I gave him a smile. “Thank you.”

“Just make sure your friend will manage.” The bouncer said and we all assured we would look after her. Once inside the nightclub we could see how the dance floor was full of people, there were few men sitting at the bar and I immediately glued my eyes on one dark haired man who was dressed in black tight jeans and purple button-up shirt. I could see he had a long shiny necklace on his neck. I kept glancing at him as we made our way towards the bar to order few drinks. When Lily and me sat at the bar I could see how the man looked at me, I looked at him and his playful brown eyes almost confused me. I gave him one smile and told the bartender what I wanted. While waiting for my drink I kept glancing at him while he kept glancing at me, when I got my drink and me and Lily were about to head over to one table I gave a smile to the man and he gave a smile to me.

“Come on, Christina, we haven’t even had our drinks and you’re already flirting.” Lily said and punched my side but I just gave her a smile. We sat at the table where everyone else was sitting at.

“Will my sunshine dance with me?” Billy asked with a begging tone in his voice but I shook my head.

“No, I got to keep an eye on the situation.” I said half shouting cause the music was so loud and a guy at the table next to ours was singing along with the song.

“What situation?”

“How you slowly get so wasted you start telling strangers you love them. And when that happens I’d rather not be near you.” I answered with a playful smile on my face and Billy gave me one wink back.

“You just want to check out that man at the bar.” Lily said and in that split second Katie sat straight and looked at the bar.

“What man! Where?” Katie kept asking as I described the man to her. Black tight jeans – he looked really good in those –, purple button-up shirt, shiny necklace, silvery shoes, dark hair – I wasn’t sure whether it was black or just dark brown, it was hard to tell in the atmospheric lighting of the nightclub –, the most gorgeous brown eyes even though I knew Katie couldn’t see his eyes from the distance and… it took that long until Katie realized who I was talking about. Which seemed pretty unbelievable since all the other men at the bar were short, bald and carrying some extra pounds. Not exactly the kind of men I would’ve wanted to look at. “Oh, Christina, sweetie… You’ll never get close to him.” Katie sighed after looking at the man for a while.

“Oh no, you could never get close to him!” I exclaimed and Katie just gave me one worried look.

“He looks old.”

“He looks hot.”

“He’s too old for you.”

“He’s perfect for me.”

“Christina.”

“Katie.” I said defiantly and took a sip of my drink. “Don’t worry, I’m gonna be fine. A little conversation won’t hurt anyone.” I said, laid few looks towards the man at the bar, gave a smile to my friends and stood up. I walked towards the bar while the man was carefully following my every move. I sat on a bar stool next to him and he gave me a sweet smile.

“May I offer you a drink?” The man asked and I just couldn’t stop staring into his brown eyes.

“Do I look like I’m in a need of a drink?”

“It depends on where you’re looking at it.” He said and looked at me from my head to my toes.

“Oh yeah… what’s the best angle?”

“The best angle is to be polite. May I offer you a drink?”

“Thank you. That’s very kind of you.” I said and when he asked I told him what kind of a drink I wanted to have. He ordered a drink for himself too and after two seconds of looking into his eyes I couldn’t deny how lost I was. In a way I didn’t like. He was making me way too hypnotized. In a way I loved. He made me feel like I was the only thing he saw in the whole world – and he didn’t even wanna see anything else.

I was like a bird that had just learned how to fly. That’s how he made me feel. And with just one look in to my eyes. I might’ve had reasons to be worried but the way he looked at me made me feel way too okay to be able to worry. When we got our drinks he suggested we’d go to a table instead of sitting right there at the bar and I thought it was a good idea so we headed towards a quiet corner table where the lighting was even more atmospheric and there were candles on the table. There was a soft semicircle shaped couch in the corner and on the other side of the table there were couple of chairs. We sat down on the couch. He sat down kinda close to me, still he seemed to be far but he was so close that if he wanted to touch me he wouldn’t have to move. He looked straight into my eyes and I looked straight into his eyes and it felt like all the noise around faded away.

“Have I seen you here before?” He asked with a thoughtful sparkle in his eyes. I shook my head; I probably seemed really thoughtful though I immediately knew the answer.

“That’s one really old line.”

“I know.” He said, giving me an apologetic smile. “And I’m sure I’d remember if I would’ve seen you before.” He said and smiled at me very playfully. “Cole.”

“Christina.”

“Pleasure to meet you, Christina.”

“Purely my pleasure, Cole.” I said while looking straight into his eyes. “Does it ever make you feel uncomfortable, like when you’re talking about pleasure with a person you’ve just met? I mean that’s a common thing to say to a person you’ve just met.” I said and Cole burst laughing. He gave me the cutest smile and leaned a bit closer to me.

“If I may specify we weren’t talking about pleasure, we just happened to mention the word.” Cole said with a teasing sparkle in his eyes. “How come you just left your friends?” Cole asked and laid few looks towards Kade and Katie who were dancing – or trying to dance, Katie was just barely able to walk when she was so wasted.

“You could’ve just said if my company didn’t please you.” I said sounding as insulted as I possibly could but when Cole gave me a teasing smile I immediately smiled back at him.

“Certainly not what I meant.”

“Why are you here alone?”

“Cause I’m a hermit.”

“You’re not a true hermit when you’re here.” I said with an unimpressed look on my face so Cole shrugged his shoulders and like accidentally placed his other hand on my thigh as he leaned closer to me. Maybe it was all just cause the music was so loud and you really couldn’t hear the other person unless you were speaking right into their ear.

“See, I have this deal with myself that I can come here but I have to come alone. That way I retain my reputation as a hermit but I make sure I won’t go totally crazy with myself.”

“Fair enough deal, I suppose.”

“Would you like to go dancing?” Cole asked and succeeded to surprise me with his question. I looked at the crowded dance floor and shook my head.

“Not really.”

“You don’t need to know how to dance here.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I love dancing. I just don’t enjoy of strangers grabbing me cause the dance floor is so crowded.”

“Maybe that’s just an excuse.” Cole said with a wicked smile on his face.

“I have my suspicions, too.”

“We don’t have to dance if you don’t want to.”

“What are we gonna do then?” I asked half whispering. Cole moved closer to me so his thigh was touching mine, he ran his fingers up my neck and across my cheek and he wiped hair aside from my face while looking straight into my eyes. Then he leaned a little closer and I forgot how to breathe.

“I don’t know.” Cole whispered softly. I looked into his eyes and felt hypnotized.

“Who does know?” I asked and Cole shook his head. He leaned really close to me, he drowned his fingers into my hair and gave me a shy smile.

“All I know is that you have the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen and I’m not even exaggerating.” Cole whispered and while my poor heart was racing so fast I was afraid it would fall out of my chest any second Cole touched my chin and lifted my head up a little, he leaned even closer to me and when I wasn’t able to breathe anymore he kissed my lips. I closed my eyes and answered to his kiss that kept growing stronger and more intense until Cole suddenly pulled farther from me. I could hear how he breathed deeply in and out. I took few deep breaths in and opened my eyes to see how he was looking straight into my eyes.

“Maybe we should go dancing anyway.” I whispered and Cole stood up, he offered me his hand and helped me to get up. We headed towards the dance floor but before we got that far Cole suddenly wrapped his arms around my waist and pushed me against a wall. I gave him a questioning look and a little surprised smile but instead of explaining his gesture he moved closer to me. He rested his other hand against the wall and held his other hand on my waist, he came real close to me and I could feel his hips against my hips when he stared deep into my eyes. His lips were almost lingering upon mine when I felt how his other hand – the one that had been resting on my waist – began moving towards my back pulling me closer to him as it moved. He moved even closer, I was pushed firmly against the wall when he placed his other hand on my neck and leaned closer until his lips touched mine. I thought my heart was about to stop at the second where he drowned his fingers into my hair and determinedly pressed his lips against mine. I answered to his firm hold by roughly taking a hold of his belt and pulling him as close to me as possible, I pushed my hips against his and in that very moment his lips left mine and a little sigh escaped his lips. I stared deep into his eyes while he stared deep into my eyes.

“What do you say if we get out of here?” Cole whispered with a soft voice – which seemed pretty amusing compared to the firm movements and touches we had been practicing when I had been pushed against the wall.

“You don’t use glamorized words, do you?”

“Why should I?”

“I didn’t say you should.”

“What do you say?”

“I say let’s go.”

----

In the middle of the night either one of us seemed tired – not after a pot of coffee – and somehow to me lying on the bed with Cole seemed way more attractive option than going home. We had been talking about random things for a while, nothing that would matter too much but something that still felt worth of talking about.

“Can I ask you something?” Cole asked as he wiped hair aside from my face and looked deep into my eyes with somehow thoughtful look on his face.

“Go ahead.”

“How old are you?” Cole asked with the most dreaming sparkle in his eyes but I turned my look away.

“I’m...” I began saying as I turned back to face him. I examined the look in his eyes for a moment and as I felt how he ran his fingers through my hair it became clear that I would never be able to tell him the truth. “22.” I said quickly and Cole nodded his head. But it was like he would’ve seen that I was lying when he gave me a questioning look.

“Really?”

“Really.” I answered quickly. Probably a bit too quickly cause Cole sat up and gave me a suspicious look. I sat up as well when he looked at me and a moment later he placed his hand on the back of my neck.

“You’re not fooling me. Tell me the truth.” Cole said and made my heart race. Million things went through my head; different escape plans, curses meant for myself to tell just how stupid I was, promises I would never drink again and lies that I could sell to Cole to get myself out of trouble.

“I… I think I have to go.” I said and tried to get up but Cole grabbed a hold of my arm and pulled me back down.

“You’re not going anywhere. Tell me the truth, how old are you?” Cole said and looked into my eyes with the most serious look on his face. I turned my look away. My heart was racing so fast it hurt.

“I’m 17.” I whispered carefully. Cole released his hold of me immediately and when I turned to face him the look on his face said more than million words ever could have. He seemed shocked, sad, concerned, scared, disbelieving and everything in the between.

“Oh no…” Cole whispered and pushed some hair aside from his face. “I’m a criminal.”

“No…” I tried to say but Cole interrupted my sentence before I even got started with it.

“Do you have any idea how old I am?” Cole pretty much shouted at me. Suddenly I felt really afraid.

“I don’t care, it’s not that big of a deal.”

“Well I happen to care cause you’re a fucking minor!”

“I’m sorry...”

“Do you know this is fucking wrong? A 29-year-old with a minor!” Cole pretty much shouted at me. But I couldn’t blame him, I understood why he reacted like that and I was sure I felt like a bigger criminal than he did.

“I... I thought you knew.”

“How the fuck could’ve I? You were at a nightclub where you’re not supposed to get into unless you’re 21!”

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re a minor, a child, do you realize that?” Cole asked half shouting and I just had to turn my look away from him.

“I’m not a child!” I exclaimed desperately while fighting against the fearful tears that were burning my eyes.

“Child or not, you are a minor. You’re not even supposed to hang around at nightclubs, drinking and… how did you even get in there?”

“No-one asked my age.”

“Oh my God...” Cole whispered and sighed deeply. “Do you realize this situation at all?”

“I do, I’m not a complete idiot!” I screamed straight at Cole while tears began falling down my cheeks. I was scared and it always made me feel really bad when someone shouted at me like that.

“Hey, don’t cry...” Cole whispered softly and tried to touch my shoulder but I moved farther. “You don’t have to cry. Come here.” Cole said and tried to pull me in to his arms but I pushed him away.

“Fuck you! You don’t have to try and be nice, I can just leave and you can go on with your life and everything’s okay, you don’t have to touch me when it’s so repulsive to you!” I screamed as loudly as I was possibly able to scream. I saw how the look on Cole’s face changed from something indescribable to something extremely sad and concerned.

“Now come here.” Cole said determinedly and despite my tries to push him away he pulled me into his arms. He held me close to him and ran his fingers through my hair. “I’m sorry, I realize I over-reacted. But the only reason why I reacted so is that you are a very young girl, maybe not a child but you’re not an adult either. And a young girl like you should not be drinking, going to nightclubs, leaving from the nightclubs with strange men who are so much older than you... You are a beautiful girl, but you are so young.” Cole whispered quietly but I only pushed him away.

“I don’t need your speeches!”

“What is it that you need?”

“Someone treating me as an adult.”

“Look, Christina, you can have people treating you as an adult without you having to drink and do all kinds of things you shouldn’t be doing.”

“I’m gonna leave.” I said but before I even got to get up Cole took a hold of my arm.

“I can give you a ride home.”

“I’m not going home.”

“Why not?”

“It’s none of your business.”

“Are your parents home?”

“Why the hell would you care?”

“Why wouldn’t I care?”

“Fuck you.” I said and tried to get up but Cole didn’t let me. “Let me go, you already got what you wanted.” I said with the most disgusting tone in my voice. Cole released his hold of me, he sighed deeply and turned his look away.

“I’m not your enemy.” Cole said and turned to face me again. “You can stay here for the night.” Cole said with a caring tone in his voice and for a moment I actually believed that he cared about me. And not only cause I was a minor but he cared about me as a person.

“I don’t want your pity. We both know that the only reason you brought me here in the first place was that you simply wanted to sleep with me. And now you got to sleep with me. This is the part where I leave.”

“If you want people to treat you as an adult maybe you should start acting like one.”

“Who are you to tell me? You don’t know a shit.”

“About what?”

“About anything.”

“I know something’s not right. You wouldn’t be doing this if everything was okay.”

“Maybe I like doing this.”

“Christina…” Cole sighed half whispering while I was fighting against tears. “Wouldn’t you want someone to love you for who you really are? Wouldn’t you want someone to just hold you and be good to you? Wouldn’t you want that instead of one night things from nightclubs?”

“You’re nothing to tell me all that. Look at yourself.”

“I’ve been 17, too. And I’m not doing this cause I’d love it so much, things just aren’t always so simple.”

“So why do you expect that things would be simple to me?”

“Why aren’t things simple to you?”

“Because...” I said but I suddenly ran out of words. I stared deep into Cole’s eyes for a moment before turning my look away, I looked at the walls and at the carpet on the floor and I bit my lower lip so hard it hurt but I was willing to do everything it took to stop me from beginning to cry. “I’m gonna go home.”

“You just said you’re not going home.”

“It’s none of your business where I’m going!”

“Okay, stop shouting at me!” Cole exclaimed, he sounded somehow angry and it made me feel a little afraid. “I’m not trying to attack you, I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

“I am okay.”

“Then you don’t have to shout at me.” Cole said quietly. At that moment I felt like going over to him, wrapping my arms around him, resting my head against his chest, he could pet my hair, I could tell him I was sorry for shouting at him. And he could make me feel okay. Like a bird who had just learned how to fly.

“I’m gonna leave.” I said as I picked up my dress from the floor and put it on. I searched for the rest of my things and wiped my messy hair aside from my face.

“You can stay here.” Cole said but I shook my head.

“No, I’m gonna go.”

“I’ll give you a ride to... wherever you want.”

“No, thank you.” 

“You can sleep here, it’s so late already.” Cole said until he noticed the way I was looking at him. “And I swear I have no wicked plans.” Cole added and raised his hands like to prove I could rely on his promise.

“I’m just... gonna leave.” I said when Cole got up and came closer to me. He put his other arm around me and placed his other hand on my waist.

“If you think I’ll let you go wandering around LA in the middle of the night you’re wrong. You can stay here, I can go downstairs and sleep on the couch, I’ll make you some coffee in the morning and I’ll give you a ride home.” Cole said softly while he held me close to him. His skin felt warm and I was feeling a little cold.

“What if I wanna leave?”

“Don’t. Do you need another blanket?”

“I’m not staying here!”

“Then you’ll tell me where I can give you a ride to.”

“I don’t want you to give me a ride to anywhere.”

“Okay. Do you want that extra blanket?”

“No!”

“Good night then.” Cole said, landed a tender kiss on my forehead and turned around like ready to leave the room.

“I’m not staying here!” I exclaimed and Cole turned around.

“Why not?”

“Cause… I’m gonna leave.” I said and walked past Cole, and surprisingly he let me, he didn’t stop me until at the front door. He took a hold of my arm and turned me around, he looked deep into my eyes like he really was worried about me.

“I just… it’s 3 AM, we’re in LA, I just don’t want anything to happen to you. Let me at least drive you home.” Cole said but I pushed him away.

“I can’t go home!”

“Why not?”

“It’s none of your business. Good night.” I said, wrenched myself free every time Cole tried to stop me and I left. For a moment I thought he was gonna come after me but he didn’t. He gave up on me. I didn’t blame him, I would’ve given up on myself if I could’ve and besides it was me who wanted to leave so I had no reason to feel insulted of him doing what I was asking him to do. Still I felt lonely. Given up on. I walked across parks and I passed by high buildings and drunken people. Halfway home I just burst crying. I collapsed on a park bench and hid my face with my hands.

Does anyone miss Lullaby Dance?

Thank you all so much.

*****

It was one of those summer days that LA is famous for. It was warm, the sun was shining from a cloudless sky and I had a day off. I had been teaching some salsa the night before and it always put me in the mood of not being able to just lay in bed for the next day. I just had to get out of the house. Once my little cat was fed I pulled on some beach gear which included white bikini with black flower decorations on them, white light demin shorts, a white blouse and sandals. I took my phone and my keys with me before exiting the house.

Once at the beach I walked in the hot sand for a moment before taking off my sandals and the blouse. I walked towards the water to drown my toes – the water was cool but the sun was still burning my skin. I walked a bit farther from the water and sat on the warm sand. I closed my eyes and focused on feeling the rays of sun lingering on my skin. My quiet moment was soon interrupted by a male voice that was speaking right near me. And even though I had had time to prepare myself for the fact someone was near I still got really startled when a hand landed on my shoulder. I turned around with the speed of light to notice a kinda familiar looking guy standing next to me.

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you.” He said as he sat down next to me with an apologetic smile on his face. He was wearing white tight jeans, a white short-sleeved t-shirt, some grey shoes and a black hat. It must’ve felt really hot.

“It’s okay. I just didn’t notice you.” I said and sighed deeply, trying to steady my racing heart.

“You didn’t stand being home either when the weather is like this?”

“Not really. I don’t know how anyone can.” I said and laid few looks towards the sea before turning to face the guy again. “Have you made the decision yet?” I asked with a playful smile on my face, he looked at me and laughed quietly.

“Maybe we have, maybe we have not.” Jared said with a frisky sparkle in his eyes. I smiled at him and shrugged my shoulders.

“I was just asking cause I’ve had a lot of job offers for that particular day.”

“Oh really?” Jared exclaimed, sounding very surprised. Like it would’ve been the biggest miracle if I had gotten job offers.

“Don’t sound so surprised.” I said sadly, Jared gave me a kind smile and stood up.

“How about a little walk?” He asked and offered me his hand. I looked at him and the hand for a moment before taking his hand, he helped me to get up and we began walking down the beach. “Have you had a lot of work?”

“Let’s just say I can pay my rent this month. Even that is not always a self-evidence.”

“I know. I’ve been there myself, back when I moved to LA. But you know not everybody can make it, you must know you’re really good when you’re able to support yourself with your dancing.”

“Well, you know it’s ups and downs. Like one audition I went to recently they told me I suck and then I went to your audition and… Sometimes it’s very confusing, messed up emotions and sometimes it feels like it would be easier to get a regular 9 to 5 job but dancing is what I love.” I said and Jared nodded his head like he actually knew what I was talking about. And maybe he really did.

“How do your parents feel about that? Are they ever worried?”

“Of course they are. They want me to be able to support myself and they want me to be happy. And they will help me if I ever need help, I just… I wanna get by on my own.”

“I love Houston.” Jared whispered half laughing. I laughed too, remembering my beautiful home.

“Well, we lived far from civilization, my dad is a full-blown cowboy along with my brothers and they really run a farm. Literally. We have cows and horses and everything.”

“You have brothers?”

“Yes, four.”

“Four?”

“Yeah, three big brothers and one little brother. Ryan is 30, Julian is 27, Nathan is 24 and Mason is 17. Except for Nathan they all live in Texas, Mason still lives with our parents but Ryan is married and has three children and Julian runs his own little farm. And Nathan lives in LA, a few blocks away from my house.” I said while Jared listened with a kind smile on his face. He seemed like he was actually interested of what I was telling him. When I was already beginning to feel very flattered of his interest towards my stories I had to remind myself he was an actor. A good one.

“I have just one big brother. But I can imagine four brothers, and you’re the only girl. I’m so sorry.”

“No, they’re great. As a child it was pure hell but… they all really care about me.”

“Who wouldn’t?” Jared said with sort of a playful tone in his voice. I looked at him for a little while before smiling confusedly. I wasn’t sure how he meant his words or what he meant by them but they got me a bit confused. “What does your brother – the one who lives in LA – do for living?” Jared asked like he would’ve noticed by confusion and was now trying to come up with something to talk about.

“He’s a teacher, he teaches kids in middle school. He sees every single show where I dance. He’s really proud of me. Just like my father.”

“What about your mother?”

“She’s happy when I’m happy but she’s the one who worries about me. When I moved to LA she got me a cat, just so I wouldn’t be all alone. It was only couple of years ago when Nathan got the job and moved here. But it makes me feel a lot safer to have my brother near me.”

“LA is a big city, I mean Houston is not that small either but I know how terrifying it is to move a big and strange city all alone. I can understand why your mother is worried, mine was too when I was moving.”

“Were you scared at all when you moved to LA?”

“Of course I was. Moving is scary by itself, never mentioning of moving to a new city. Then there’s this whole ‘getting along’ –thing when you don’t have a regular job and a regular pay.”

“Yeah, I know. That’s one thing my mom worries about.”

“My mother is only now beginning to realize I am actually managing. It’s pretty well considering I’m only 36 years old.” Jared said and I nodded my head. I stopped for a moment and when Jared turned to see what I was doing I laughed quietly.

“It’s kinda funny.” I said and got an amused laugh from Jared.

“What is?”

“The fact you’re like 14 years older than I am but it doesn’t really feel like that.”

“Is it a good thing?” Jared asked and I shrugged my shoulders.

“Whether I’m really mature or you’re really immature. Decide for yourself.” I said and continued walking. Jared gave me a smile and looked straight into my eyes. We walked on for a moment in silence but it didn’t take long until we began talking again. Somehow it felt really easy and comfortable talking with Jared even though I didn’t really even know him all that well.

“Would you want a cup of coffee or something?” Jared asked and I gave him a desperate look.

“It’s so hot.”

“Ice tea?”

“Why not.” I said until a tiny thought suddenly began pounding in the back of my head. “Where was this drinking occasion planned to happen?” I asked suspiciously.

“At my house – if you don’t mind.” Jared said while I was looking at him with suspicious look on my face. “Hey, don’t look at me like that!” Jared exclaimed and raised his hands as a sign of surrendering. “It’s so burning hot out here. A moment away from the sun is just healthy.” Jared said and I looked straight into his eyes for a moment. Then I laughed quietly and nodded my head.

“Okay.” I said and we headed away from the beach. I wasn’t sure what I was getting myself into but I was relatively fine with it. The walk to Jared’s house was just five minutes long and during the walk we talked about all kinds of random things, not least about the good and bad sides of the LA weather. Once at Jared’s house – which was beautiful – Jared pulled keys out of his pocket and opened the front door. The entryway way spacious, there was a full-length mirror on the wall and a few pairs of shoes lying around on the floor. I glanced at my reflection in the mirror while following Jared to the kitchen. “Do you live here by yourself?” I asked as I glanced at the stairs that were leading to upstairs.

“All by myself.”

“This house is huge. And beautiful.”

“Wait till you see the views.” Jared said and opened one cabinet, he took two glasses out of it and then moved towards the fridge. He poured a cool brown colored beverage into the glasses and handed me the other one.

“Thank you.” I said as I took the glass.

“Come on.” Jared said and gave me a sign to follow him. I walked right behind him through the spacious living room that was decorated with warm earthy colors and towards a door in the back of the room. Jared opened the door and let me step out before he followed me. On the backyard there was a little table and a few chairs and some beautiful flower plantings which I could’ve sworn weren’t there because he would’ve been such a plant lover. We sat down on soft and comfy chairs under a huge parasol that was providing some shade from the sun. The view was beautiful; the ocean and the horizon could be seen from the high white fence which was protecting the privacy of the backyard. We sat there for a while, in silence, listening to the sounds coming from the beach near by and just relaxing. And it was comfortable. Not like it can be with a person you don’t know that well, silent moments tend to be really awkward and you both try to figure out something to say but it didn’t feel like that with Jared.

“Do you believe that there’s life on other planets besides earth?” I asked while looking at the cloudless sky. Jared was quiet for a while before laughing quietly.

“There has to be. If human is the most intelligent species existing we’re screwed.” Jared said half laughing. I turned to face him to see the way he was smiling, I smiled at him and turned my look towards the sky again.

“Isn’t it kinda selfish to think we’d be alone in this universe? I mean if the space is really endless there has to be something somewhere.”

“We aren’t probably even aware of half of the existing planets. Every now and then they keep finding new planets. Someday they’ll find tiny green men from Jupiter.” Jared said with serious tone in his voice but I turned to face him with disappointed look on my face.

“I was serious and you’re just making fun of me.”

“I’m not making fun of you. You never know whether the life out there comes in the form of tiny green men or not.” Jared tried to back up his words but I wasn’t buying it.

“Oh, fuck you.” I sighed and turned my look away from Jared. He laughed amusedly.

“Will you still dance at our show?”

“I don’t even know if you chose me or not.”

“We did choose you.” Jared said. He sounded like was actually serious. I turned to face him to see the look on his face was just as serious as the tone in his voice.

“That’s kinda hard to believe when you were just making fun of me.” I said, my heart was racing, I was sure it was gonna race out of my chest if Jared was serious. I wasn’t a complete idiot; I knew what kind of a chance it would’ve been to dance at the show.

“I’m serious.” Jared said and got up. I stayed sitting there, watching as he disappeared into the house and how he came back a few minutes later with bunch of papers with him. He pulled the table nearer and began to pile the papers on it. “There are all the details, when the show is and where, when you should be there, who to call in case you get sick or just don’t feel like coming, the dates and times of the rehearsals, a contract you would have to sign and a free ticket for the show. You can give it to whoever you want, you can sell it or just throw it away.” Jared said as he was piling the papers on the table. He handed me a pen and the contract but I still didn’t believe the situation was actually true.

“Are you kidding me?” I asked half whispering as I glanced through the contract. It said the basic information about the show, the legal things I had to approve, how much and when I would be paid and all the rest that wasn’t really all that interesting. At the bottom of the contract there was an empty line and my name was right under it and under another line was Jared’s name. I looked at the paper, then at Jared and the paper again. “Oh my god…” I whispered and wiped hair aside from my face. Suddenly I felt really dizzy.

“Did you really think we wouldn’t choose you?” Jared asked half laughing while I was wondering whether I’d ever be able to sign the paper with my shaking hands.

“I… I don’t know.” I mumbled and placed the paper back on the table. I took deep breaths in and out and looked at Jared like looking for some help.

“Well, I’ll sign it first.” Jared said and pulled the paper closer to him, he took the pen and signed the contract, then he pushed it towards me and handed me the pen. I signed the contract with my slightly shaky hands and handed the paper back to Jared. He handed me a copy of the contract along with the information papers and the free ticket.

“Thank you.” I whispered with a frail smile on my face. I was so shocked and so surprised and so happy I wasn’t able to function normally. I looked through the papers and figured I would read them later. I turned to face Jared who seemed obviously amused by my confusion. “How many dancers did you choose?”

“Four. We chose one blond female dancer besides you and two black haired male dancers. You girls will be dressed in white dresses and the males will have black suits or something like that. You’ll meet them all at the rehearsals.” Jared said and I was getting more and more excited every second. “You remember Alex, the choreographer from the audition? He will be teaching you at the rehearsals. I might stop by as well. I know nothing about dancing but it’s cool to watch people who actually know how to dance.”

“You don’t know how to dance?”

“No. I’m horrible.”

“You know… I’ve never really thought that I’m as good as some people tell me.” I said thoughtfully. Jared turned to face me but he didn’t say anything for a while, I was looking at the ground and he was examining some detail of my presence.

“How come?”

“When I went to school I got all kinds of scholarships and teachers kept telling me I was good but… I still don’t think I’m that good. I know I can dance but I’m not so great that I should’ve gotten to dance at some of the shows where I have danced.”

“I think it’s awful that someone like you feels that way.” Jared said quietly. I turned to face him but the look in his eyes didn’t give me a hint of how he had meant his words.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re very, very talented. I can see you’re smart and intelligent, you’re funny and sweet and you’re really beautiful. And then you tell me you don’t believe in yourself.” Jared said with the most serious look on his face, like he actually meant his words. I turned my look away. Feeling somehow ashamed for being so foolish and not trusting in what I can do. But that was just the way I had always been. “Anything else you’ve been told has been a lie.” Jared said but I didn’t answer anything. I just sat there, without saying a word, I knew Jared was looking at me but I kept staring at the ground. Suddenly I noticed how Jared got up. “Come with me.” Jared said and showed me a sign to follow him. I got up and followed him into the house and into one room. Once I stepped into the room a quiet ‘wow’ –sigh escaped my lips. There were acoustic and electrics guitars, a bass, drums, a grand piano, microphones and all kinds of amps, wires and stuff I had no idea what they were used for. While I was being amazed by all the instruments in one room Jared picked up one acoustic guitar and sat down on a soft white couch and showed me a sign to sit next to him. I sat there, facing him, following his every move as he began strumming the guitar.

“Do you really play all these?” I asked while I was still looking at the acoustic guitars.

“Sometimes. The biggest reason why I have all of them is that I have a compulsive ‘have to buy more guitars’ -addiction.”

“Oh, really? I have that with clothes.”

“Then you must know how I feel.” Jared said, trying to sound as sad as he was able to. And he did a pretty good job. No wonder he was an actor. I laughed and gave him a compassionate smile. “I’ve been writing a new song. Wanna hear it?” Jared asked and I gave him one surprised look. I had no idea why he seemed to want to play his new song to me.

“If you wanna let me hear it.” I said quietly. Jared looked straight into my eyes and nodded his head before he continued strumming the guitar. The beginning of the song felt like it was going to linger on for forever, even after it had been played. Jared had his eyes closed while he was playing, I examined every little detail in his presence, the fact he even was there, the fact I was there, with him. I tried to make myself realize he was a person millions of people had seen, a person who millions of people loved and adored and I knew so many people would’ve given anything to be where I was. But somehow, even though he was a famous person who people adored as something unreal… to me he was just a man. A man with dark hair, blue eyes, he was just a man who had acted very sweetly towards me the whole day, he was a man who I found very easy to spend time with and talk with and even though I didn’t know him that well it didn’t seem to matter.

The words told a story about expectations and how one doesn’t even want to fill them, how someone rather wants to be judged as something they’re not than letting themselves go for something they don’t believe in. And how much pressure can be placed upon one person and how much can one take before they crash, let go and which is more important – what is not true or what you believe in. I wondered why Jared had written those words. I wondered what he had been going through, how he had been feeling and how he was feeling now, after maybe a while, singing the song to a girl like me who he didn’t really even know that well. But somehow it didn’t seem to matter.

Merry Christmas.

Maybe I will write more. Maybe not. Who knows... :-)

*****

It was around midday when I was lying on the floor next a huge door that led to a big room with amazing acoustics. I had been in that room for millions of times before. That was were most of LA’s dancing auditions were held and for the past four years I had been going to pretty much every single one of them. And I knew pretty much all the people at the audition except for the people who were at their first audition and those who had already become huge stars and had abandoned us who were yet to shine.

The door was probably from the 17th century, it was made of wood and its whole appearance was so Victorian that you sort of had to feel intimidated by it. I heard music from the room and when it stopped someone clapped their hands. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths in and out. When the door opened I opened my eyes and when a slightly overweight bearded man told me I was next I got up and followed him into the room. I dropped my bag and my bottle of water on the floor near the door and walked to the middle of the room, I stayed standing on a blue cross that was marked on the floor about two or three meters away from a table. The table was filled with papers and bottles of water and behind the table there were five people – four men and one woman. Three of them I could recognize but the two of them were total strangers.

There were name tags in front of everyone who sat behind the table. First one said “Jared – lead singer”, second one “Shannon – drummer”, third “Tomo – lead guitarist”, fourth “Alex – choreographer” and the fourth “Sarah – dancing teacher”. Sarah looked at me with a friendly smile on her face but the way her eyes traveled from my head to my toes and back up again felt rather judgmental. Alex seemed friendly in every way but somehow I could tell he would be very demanding. Shannon, Tomo and Jared all seemed friendly no matter how strangely they were looking at me.

“Good morning.” I said with a sunny smile on my face. Somehow during all the years I had been going to auditions I had learned to smile no matter how lame the judges did look. This time they didn’t which made my smiling a lot easier.

“Good morning. Or afternoon.” Jared said and gave me a sweet smile. He glanced at the number tag on my shirt and then at the papers in front of him. “Could you tell us a little about yourself?” He asked when he lifted his eyes from the papers. Everybody behind the table glued their eyes on me at that second.

“My name is Katrina, I’m 22 and I’m a trained ballet dancer. I graduated a year ago.”

“Where are you from?” Jared asked with a very thoughtful tone in his voice.

“Houston, Texas.”

“I thought that was a Texas accent.” Jared said and nodded his head. “What have you been doing since you graduated?”

“I’ve been supporting myself with dancing. I’ve done shows and ballets and operas and I’ve been teaching lessons every now and then… sometimes it’s unsure where I get my rent money but I love dancing and I’m happy this way.”

“When did you move to LA? Or do you even live here?”

“I moved here after high school when I went to college.”

“Do you do other styles besides ballet?”

“Yeah, I do pretty much everything. Salsa, waltz, rumba, hiphop, tango, jive, disco, country – since I’m from Texas…”

“Okay, I probably don’t even know how half of those look but sounds good.” Jared said half laughing and looked me straight in the eyes. I smiled at him and he smiled back at me. “So…” Jared began saying and glanced at his papers like gathering his thoughts for a few seconds. “We’re gonna turn on a song and with pure improvisation we would like you to dance along it, just the way you feel like dancing.” Jared said, I simple nodded my head and moved to the very back of the room to wait for the music to begin.

In about ten seconds the music was turned on. It was a slower version of The Kill with acoustic guitar, violins and everything. I closed my eyes and erased everything else from my mind during the beginning of the song. I began my dancing when the singing began. I started by floating across the room, spinning around, a jump and suddenly I stopped thinking, I stopped planning. I let my movements grow with the song and towards the end I found how deeply I had already grown into the song. When the music ended I collapsed on the floor very controllably so it wouldn’t seem like something I hadn’t intended to do. I stayed there for few seconds before taking deep breaths in and out and standing up. Everybody just looked at me. And I just stood there in front of them, taking deep breaths in and out.

“So…” Jared whispered and turned his look away from me and towards his brother who was sitting next to him. Shannon just glanced at Jared and smiled frailly. The choreographer was focused on staring at the papers in front of him. And suddenly I felt really unsure. And uncomfortable. It seemed like everybody were avoiding my look and no one knew what to say. And somehow that felt like a bad thing. 

“You know that we are here looking for some dancers to dance at our show here in LA while we perform The Kill and… I don’t know if we can choose you.” Jared said and looked me straight in the eyes. I felt really disappointed but nodded my head bravely. I had learned to accept the fact that everybody did not like what I did and there was nothing I could do about it. I noticed how the look on Alex’s face was kinda surprised when he turned to face Jared who didn’t even blink his eye. “Because… everybody we’ve seen so far has been nothing like you.” Jared said with the most serious look on his face. I couldn’t stop myself from laughing quietly but at the same I burst laughing pretty much everybody including Jared began laughing. “Were you scared at all?” Jared asked laughing as I wiped hair aside from my face.

“Not scared but disappointed yes.”

“I’m sure I speak for all of us when I say that you were wonderful.”

“Thank you.” I said and sighed deeply. My heart was beating fast but it didn’t feel too bad.

“Your style is great, your technique is pretty much flawless and the emotion is very, very raw which is always impressing.” Alex said and gave me a big smile. “I am very happy that even though you’re a professional there’s still emotion in what you do.” Alex said and I replied with a ‘thank you’. I didn’t really know what else to say.

“Does anyone want to add something?” Sarah asked looking at the four men sitting next to her. They mumbled random words but before letting them fully finish Sarah turned towards me. “We will let you know if we choose you and if that happens you will receive all the necessary information about the show. So, thank you for coming and have a great rest of the day.” Sarah said and gave me a smile.

“Thank you so much.” I said and smiled at her.

“Thank you.” Jared added quickly before I turned around and began walking towards the door. I grabbed my bag and my bottle of water before exiting the room. Once outside all the girls and boys I did know asked how everything went but somehow I didn’t know what to tell them. I said it went okay, told them I’d see them again soon and left the venue. I felt like I was in a need of some time alone. And I wasn’t sure why.

I walked home. Once at home I dropped my keys on the kitchen table and picked up my cat from the worktop. My cat was white with one brown ear and one brown paw and she was named Lily. I had gotten her from my mother when I had been moving to LA so that I would never be all alone in as big of a city as LA. That’s what mom had always been scared of.

“Oh, you’re home already.” My housemate, Kimberly, shouted as he ran down the stairs. I knew she was excited to hear everything about my audition. She was the best friend I had ever had, we had known each other for forever and when we had both applied for LA colleges we immediately knew we wanted to rent a house together. Not only would it be a lot cheaper but together we could get a way cooler house than if we rented one by alone. And the house we had was gorgeous. It was two storey and located right near to a beach. We had our own rooms upstairs and after about four years of living there we had only had few fights. Kimberly loved 30 Seconds To Mars’ music just as much as I did and she had been so thrilled when I had told her I was auditioning to be one of the dancers at their upcoming show in LA. Kimberly was a nurse and she worked at a hospital near by but that had only been her plan B when she hadn’t gotten to the same college that I had gone to. She loved dancing, too. I did feel bad for her for not getting to do what she loved but she seemed happy with her life anyway. I had tried to talk over her to come to the audition too but she hadn’t wanted. I had no idea why.

We collapsed on the couch in the living room and Kimberly began asking her eager questions she was dying to hear the answers to.

“Were the guys there?” Kimberly asked and I nodded my head.

“Jared, Shannon and Tomo were there, then there was a choreographer and a dancing teacher. I think I’ve seen her somewhere…” I said and drowned into my thoughts. I might’ve seen Sarah at some school-thing sometime but I couldn’t really recall our meeting.

“What did they say? What did you dance?”

“It was a slow version of The Kill, you know with violins and all. And…” I said until an amused laugh escaped my lips. “It seems kinda funny now but it didn’t then. Cause at first no one said anything, they just stared at me and then Jared told me that they might not be able to choose me. Because everybody they had seen so far had been nothing like me, according to his words.”

“What! That’s amazing!” Kimberly screamed while I was satisfied with just smiling.

“Yeah... they will let me know if they choose me. Life goes on.”

“What? You think they won’t choose you?” Kimberly asked and I shook my head.

“I don’t know. The choreographer told me my style was great and technique was good and emotion and everything… It just… At the last audition I went to, they told me I suck and now suddenly… I don’t know what to think.”

“You are good.”

“Is that enough?”

“Come on, Katrina. If they told you they love you why don’t you believe it?”

“I don’t know. I just don’t wanna be too happy yet. Nothing is sure yet.” I said and focused on petting Lily while she was lying on my lap.

A song without a tune from 2007.

This one is for an angel who never got to live.

Angel Of Midnight.

Close to your breathing
the skies close and spin with stars
heartbeat never existed when your heart didn’t feel

I was sorry in the snowy morning
only inside of me
you could see who it was
how did I move on when I closed my eyes
drowning your memories
into white sheets of blood
covering your smile that never showed
only pain for you and for me

Child of midnight

I’m not yours anymore